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Stumbling.. but haven't fallen!

Posted by Corrugo, 24 September 2022 · 151 views

Ugh there's so much to go through if I'm being honest and I feel like a lot of it would get me in trouble or at least have people questioning my sanity. Which I mean yeah.. that's fair. I also often question my sanity. Look at how I'm writing this blog. That's neither here nor there. It's actually over yonder but again.. not the point.

I feel like this is why I don't actually update my blogs very often cause most of the time it's just me rambling my actual train of thought and CLEARLY I should not be unsupervised.

Back to the topic of the blog.. which I haven't even gotten to yet but now I am. .. hopefully.

Mm.. trying to figure out how to begin it. Which isn't actually hard, just not sure where to begin I guess?

Okay, so like I've been a hypochondriac again lately. I cannot for the life of me really know how it started again. I'm guessing my antidepressants needed upped and I kinda slacked doing that but regardless I've been a mess. I've gone to the hospital 2 times in the last month or so. The first time was because I got up and went to the bathroom and sat down and saw stars. Now here's the thing.. probably wasn't stars. Just eye floaties or light reflection. Either way freaked me out and I got on the floor and called Brenda. Told her I was freaking out and then made the big mistake of consulting Dr Google. Which lead me to the obvious solution that I was getting a RETINAL DETACHMENT.

.. spoiler alert: I was not.

But did that stop me from having Brenda take me to the hospital? Boy do I wish it had! It didn't. I went to the hospital. I was fine.

Week or so later. I start thinking I'm getting light headed. Now I need to emphasize this. I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE getting light headed. That's just dumb. But did it stop me from needing to go to the hospital? Of course it didn't.

.. got EKG, Blood Test, Brain Scan, X-ray. I was fine.

Here's the dumbest part of it all. I'm an anxious person. Pretty much known for it. I feel my pulse often when I'm anxious and for awhile when I went to the hospital it would be around 100-120 heart rate. Last two times it was hovering around 80. Which is pretty normal. The fact that my heart rate was normal.. freaked me out.

Oh god, I am such an idiot. Everything came back fine and the doctor said I was good. Did I believe them/him? Boy did I not. Why would I believe a medical professional. I CLEARLY knew he missed something.

Had an appointment with my therapist to finally get my meds up and had enough time to show her my lab results and she confirmed that I was fine. Did I believe her? Of course I did. No you read that correctly, I actually did believe her. I don't know why I believed her over the ER doctor but I did.

The second time I was at the ER they asked a bunch about my heart cause I guess Light Headedness is related to the heart. I told Brenda I was feeling some minor aches and pains and she scolded me telling me that her dad felt similar symptoms and ended up needing a Quintuple Bypass. Absolute worse thing to tell me cause SINCE THEN I've been overly worried about my heart. Pretty sure it's psycho-sematic. I'm worried about it hurting so obviously my body, genius that it is, decides it might as well hurt. Vilg Oui, body.. vilg oui.

Just got back from the laundromat where it didn't bother me at all.. cause I was distracted and not focused on it. I lifted the baskets and did physical stuff and it did not cause pain or pain to worse which even further points away of problems.

I'm just.. ergh! I'm so in my mind lately. Which is actually pretty ironic cause most people probably think I'm actually OUT of my mind, but no. I am in fact SO FAR in my mind that I've gone full circle.

I just.. I can never understand myself. Despite my constant attempts to do so. Last night for instance I was reading an old blog on here that mentioned Emma and how adorable I thought she was. That lead me to FB search her. Eh, she's cute but not what I remember feeling. Then I saw Alex from the old AIM days and decided to actually FB request her. Why? No idea. Just did it.

You see, I don't often think why I do things. I just do them.

But now. NOW I want to know why I do them. WTF why can't I just have these thoughts PRIOR to acting upon them. Isn't that the NORMAL order of things. Consider then act. But nooo.. I act and then wonder why I did said act. I am feeling dumber and dumber as I type cause now I'm going introspective and it's making a little TOO MUCH sense. Somehow. To me anyway. Well current me, not future me who is reading PAST me's writing.

See, it's that kind of thoughts that make me question my own sanity. Like WHY add those thoughts to this blog? Oh dear me.. I'm such a complicated nutcase.

I'm sure you are wondering.. what is the purpose of this blog. Well initially it was to write down my hypochondria thoughts so that my future self, Nimroy (the name of future self) could possibly look back on and understand certain things. I can't always understand my own mindset but maybe in the future I can connect all the weird random thoughts or acts and it actually make sense or atleast be feckin' consistent.

I think the only consistent thing about my mind is me wanting to understand myself but I can't even explain what that means. What does it mean to understand yourself? One's actions? One's thoughts? One's thoughts leading to one's actions?

My mind, I think. Hm.. yeah. I usually follow my instinct and or gut and don't really think and quite frankly it works out VERY WELL. Eerily well sometimes.

For instance. Brenda was off Wednesday. I decided, for some random reason to contact Carolyn to see if she wants to hang out to help Brenda get some socialization. I like seeing her and the kids too. Honestly mostly the kids XD But regardless I had the random idea to try and see if she was free and it turned out she was. We hung out for awhile and did the social. Carolyn asked how Brenda's tooth was because her daughter didn't take any of the antibiotics she was prescribed and offered them to Brenda. Brenda did not need them. However my step dad just happened to be in dire need of some and due to stupid issues he was not able to get them. So my random thought actually lead to something good happening to my step dad.

That's just the most recent example. Actually even more recent was me messaging Maxcien about being nostalgic over the past and in quite the kawinky dink she had also been kind of nostalgic as well. Sure, not as well as the step dad thing but still kind of ironic that I messaged her (out of the blue, we don't talk as much as we used to)

It's just weird how often my instinct is correct but I don't even know how to explain it. I'll not want to do something (for no real reason) and if we don't do it ends up being a good thing we didn't or more often vice versa, Randomly getting urges to do things or see people and it working out perfectly. I don't know how it happens or why. Sometimes I even wonder if I will things into existence. There's been NUMEROUS times I didn't want to do something and then one thing or another led to us not doing it or not being able to be done.

What is instinct? Is it instinct? am I just so out of touch with reality that I am somehow in tune with everything and just can't understand it? Or am I just connecting things together and there's no real relation? Be nice if you could respond back to me random text document I am typing this on. But you cannot. Not until the Robot Uprising begins. Of course at that point you will too busy slaying the humans who defiled you. What ARE my thoughts. Like really.

I have to go pee and then poop though so Aloha~

edit: it's a bit long, you know! Sometimes less is more.

April 2024

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