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A dream come true?

Posted by Corrugo, 02 August 2016 · 603 views

I haven't had much of a reason to post on these anymore.. I usually just talk to Bruce or Mecum and quite frankly Brenda knows ALL of the things.

Aiyaa.. I've been wanting to post and write this stuff down for soo friggin' long but I haven't had a friggin' chance.

I always feel better and more.. expressed(?) when I post and or write my thoughts down so.. this.

A few months ago an old friend of mine moved back this way, which is awesome since me and Brenda like hanging out with her. We used to live with her and her son. Now she has her other daughter so that was nice to get to know. She also got to have her OTHER two down. Now the oldest boy, I've known for sooo long. Like 10 years. Got to know her oldest daughter more since she actually has her now. Plus I get to see the other two more than once a year. Which was awesome.. since I had a small attraction to her other daughter, Athena. She was just super cute and I wanted to hug her.

It got weird..

I can't remember when exactly.. but about a month ago I was talking with Athena and I was shocked when I learned how well she reads people. Her thoughts on her mom were almost word for word my own thoughts and I pride myself on my ability to read, understand and predict people and here she knew her mom as well as I did. No one else I ever met was like that. Athena puts on this act where she's stupid but little if anything gets passed her. She keeps the important stuff in her mind and just,, so similar.

That's when it started. We started talking more and more and.. our minds are almost the exact same. How I think, what helps me think, the way I think, she does the same. Heck, she even writes her thoughts and stuff down and it helps her deal and understand herself more. Y'know, like WHAT I'M DOING AT THIS EXACT MOMENT.

She doesn't really game, or like anime too much but.. I don't know.. We talked to the other night, err maybe like a week ago and I almost said I Love You. The other night she almost did the same thing. She's a lot more sexual than I am.. but she sorta brings it out of me during certain times. There was an initial attraction but now? Ha.. I don't know what it is. Even physically.. she reminds me of how I always imagined Assa to look like. We can stare into each other's eyes and just get lost. I've told her that I don't know what it is between us and it doesn't make much sense. Can you really fall in love with someone that fast?

I know when she stayed at her BF's house the other night it really bothered me. Not jealousy or anything just.. "Aw man I won't be able to see Athena til Sunday" and it bothered me.. a lot. I was almost panicky over it. Which is silly.. right? Even now.. I miss her. ACK! This makes no sense.

Maybe it's just a silly crush? When I hug her.. I never really wanna let go.. and heh like Niall said before "When you aren't around her, you feel the feeling when your about to cry or sick" and it's similar..

I mean, yeah I know Love isn't supposed to be logical and quite frankly she's smart enough to just be ###### with me and not feel the same way I feel.. which I have no idea what I feel.

I just like being around her, talking.. hugging.. cuddling.. and I've only REALLY gotten to know her the last month or so. I sometimes wonder if it was my feelings I had for Assa that I'm just projecting onto her. Like.. what I felt for that fictitious character I'm feeling again and now I have a target.. all those feelings I had... thinking about Assa at night.. hoping to find her and meet her... and now I found someone who resembles what I imagined her to look like..

But she's not Assa. Sure she has the goofiness and protectiveness Assa had.. but Assa wasn't nearly as smart as Athena. When I think about those closest to my level of smarts (street smart, people smart) I think Mecum and Bruce.. but Bruce isn't very smart.. at all. He thinks he's smart, and can read and understand people but it's just the stuff I've told him. Mecum.. err.. he knows people a bit better than Bruce but doesn't really care that much. But Athena.. it's like I've been on a planet full of unusual creatures and I finally met another one of my own species.

Is it love? Is it a projection? Maybe it's just a silly crush.

Heh, I guess I haven't had a crush in a long time so I might be mistaking what I feel for genuine feelings. I guess it could be compared to how I felt about Stephanie at first.. but that took.. like a year or so before I even felt the urge to say I loved her.. out loud. This time.. a month? No, that can't be right.

.. but what if it is? I DO always have to find logical reasons for things.. and I'm so good at convincing myself that I'm right and my logic is sound that I might not even find actual logic in stuff and just bullshit myself.. I don't think I should go down THIS road any further....

(Love isn't brains.. it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work it's will.)

Is love human nature? Is it just an instinct? Maybe what we consider love is just territorialness? We want to have and keep something so bad that we just Love it. We make sacrifices for love.. no it's something we want to protect. But protect why? To have it longer? No, because when what we love is hurting so are we.

What if love is just a bond we can't see? We become to close and attached that we literally.. bond. We connect, merge. Like an invisible string is attached to both. They say eventually couples will start to look alike. Maybe that's part of it too..

I'm getting off topic. Probably. Hm.. dang it, I still understand nothing of what I feel toward Athena. (Had to listen to What I Know from Degrassi and now Rest in Peace from Buffy XD)

When she's gone I close up.. I tell myself she's playing me and not to get too close but.. I always melt when she looks at me or talks to me. And when I open up.. the floodgates open too and it all comes in.

Hm.. well this was rather pointless, wasn't it? I think I need to listen to music and think about stuff.. well think about her.. <3




(>You Suck at Love<)

 

So I think the day after I typed all that I went back down and found out that we missed another friend of ours, Joe. He had spent time with the girls and there was talk of him being weird with Athena so I've been kinda weary on him since I developed feelings for her. As usual I started thinking.. too much and then wanted nothing to do with her. I kept telling myself I don't even deserve her. "That's what you've been fightin' for! That's your atonement!" - "No. It just looks like it." Angel / Doyle from Angel. Not exact quote but close enough and I kept repeating the whole 'it just looks like it'. Anyway, after awhile I finally faced Athena and told her it wasn't fair to me, her, Brenda and her BF. I said we need to stop whatever it is we had.

 

I went out for a cigarette and remembered that I wanted her to look me and in the eyes and answer "if you see your BF tomorrow, I won't even be on your radar, will I?" So I went up and she was just kinda sitting in the bed, after being pretty much asleep the first time I went up. I asked her what was wrong, 'cause she looked genuinely upset and I didn't think that'd happen. I figured she'd be like "whatever!" and just be annoyed and go to sleep. Apparently I really hurt her and so we talked and made up and cuddled for a bit. She told me she didn't even really wanna see her BF and that losing me would kill her. So it was all fine, ne?

 

Then today.. I wake up from a call from Mandy (Athena's mom) saying that her old man took Athena to their other friends (Who happens to be Athena's BF's mom's) and Athena is gonna be mad cause she can't stay over there or something. I forget exactly what it was. So I'm pretty dang peeved off. After the talk the night before and her assuring me she didn't want her BF that much and I even told her how it kinda hurt me when she goes over there, she STILL goes. So maybe it's just part of the act and try not to think about it took much.

 

Suddenly Athena, her BF and her BF's mom come there and say something and Mandy tells Athena that if she doesn't clean her room she can't stay over at her BF's. Athena pretty much avoided me the entire time. I managed to get into her room and say "and you wonder why I had trust issues with you" before her sister and then Brenda came in.

 

So.. I was being played? I am pretty furious. I friggin' believed her last night and the NEXT DAY she does this. My mind cannot even comprehend my emotions. I haven't felt sad, angry or betrayed much but I know it is SO under the surface just bubbling. I even almost cried to her last night saying that if she was playing me it would kill me since I never felt so much for someone and then this?

 

For like a month I kept going back and forth between two things, she's either perfect or she's cruel. Her actions are impossible for me to predict, which NEVER happens to me. Her mood swings and emotional changes also throw me but this is it. After what was said last night and then she does this.. what she said before was all lies. It has to be. I guess I really did fall in love with what I thought she was..

 

Should've known.. how could she fall in love with.. someone like me.

 

I really think it broke me. It killed my emotions. I loved her more than I loved Nina and I even told Brenda that.. and then this happens. I can't believe I got played so much... but I mean I guess I was right that night. She's not what I was dreaming about.. it was just.. really similiar.

 

Guess the answer to my question.. the title of the blog chapter thing.. is No, it was just a dream.

 

lol as usual. 

 

People like us.. we're never done fighting to atone for our mistakes. I guess I did really screw up a lot for this kind of thing. Hurts a hundred more times than Stephanie ever could.. and even Brenda with Bruce..

 

le sigh.. I don't wanna lay down.. I know I'm just gonna think about it.. about the pain. 

 

It's weird how I'm not even feeling much.. I think I've gone numb. Although it feels like it is about the overcome me so I'm gonna cut this short before I start listening to Goodbye to You which I'm already considering doing..

 

Aloha

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