341 replies to this topic

[sailormari]

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, OK? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

[Kishimoto Erika]

^Call me stupid, but I don't get it!!

[Teiki_]

What do you see if you see a space man?


You park in it, man!

[sailormari]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Sin86]

^

ok some of you not might get this but here it is:
did you know that eskimos have 22 words for snow?, but Immortal has 23.

[KNP6bI]

I remember something like that, but
are you sure you wrote it completely?

It's two men who paint a room.
One say:
Catch yourself to the brush I move the ladder.

[Tony Oguri]

After Jimmy Buffett dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour.

He shows Jimmy a little two bedroom house with a faded parrot banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, Jimmy. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Jimmy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Tie-died flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Grateful Dead banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Jerry Garcia gets a mansion with brand new Grateful Dead banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, God says, "That's not Jerry's house, Jimmy; it's mine!"

[sailormari]

hahah thats great god id a dead head

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[mangomalte]

a plane crashes on a deserted island. among the survivors is an the pilot who starts to organize the survivors and see to that the hurted gets help and a camp is built. a chinese man wants to help but has problems communicating with the english speaking, so the pilot tells him: "you can be responsible for the supplies, go out in the jungle and look for things to the camp."
the man looks a bit confused at first, but then lights up and says: "yes, yes", and runs of into the jungle.
night creeps nearer and the folks at the camp starts to wonder why the chinese hasn't returned, so they select a small group to go look for him. after a short walk they hear something in the bushes and goes to check it out. suddenly, the chinese jumps out from the bushes with a big smile on his face screaming: "SUPLIIISE!"

^ that one really cracked me up.

ok, some classical jokes about norwegians. we usually joke about our dear neighbours to the west here in Sweden.

- why does the norwegian bring a car door out in the desert?
- because they want to be able to roll down the window if it gets too hot.
- why does he bring a second one?
- to create a draft.
- why does he bring sandpaper?
- to use as a map.

two norwegians:
- did you know that in the US they run over a person every fifteen minutes?
- wow, that guy really must have bad luck.

- why does the norwegians creep on all four in the shopping malls?
- because they're looking for low prices.

- do you know why the norwegians doesn't watch The Hulk on TV?
- no.
- because they walk when they see a green man.

- do you know how to knock out a norwegian's teeth?
- no.
- paint a hamburger on the pavement.

- what do you call smart people in Norway?
- tourists.

- do you know why there's standing 17 norwegians outside the pub?
- no.
- because you have to be 18 to get in.

- why does the norwegians walk in the middle of the road?
- they're afraid of the wild flowers at the side of the road.

three norwegians followed a trail.
- i think it's a hare trail, said the first.
- i think it's a moose trail, said the second.
the third one didn't have the time to say anything before they were run over by the train.

and to make it up for all the norwegians i pissed off:
- why wasn't Jesus born in Norway?
- because there were no wise men in the east. (=Sweden)

[reyfer]

Okay, this is not my best, but I doubt someone here wants to read a spanish joke:

If firefighters fight fire, and crime-fighters fight crime, have you ever wondered what freedom-fighters fight?

[Ishikawaluvr]

Okay, a 4.0 student, a 3.0 student, and a .5 student are running from the cops for robbing a jewelery store. The cops catch them, and somehow they are given the death penalty. The 4.0 student is handed off to the cop, and brought into a room. "Okay" the cop says "I'll have to shoot you. Just to tell you when I'm gonna shoot, I'll say 'Ready Aim Fire', and on Fire I'll shoot. Ready...aim..." Suddenly, the student, thinking quick on his feet, screams "TORNADO!!!!!!!" and the cop screams, pulls an alarm, and the student escapes.

Unfortunately, this is a false alarm, and the 3.0 student is brought in next. The same procedure is followed.
"Ready...aim..." Suddenly, the student yells "TYPHOON!" and the alarm is pulled and the student escapes.

The .5 student is brought in. Same procedure.
"Ready...aim..."
"FIRE!"

[wildstarr]

Three old men are sitting around the retirement home complaining. " I wish I was able to pee without pain," the first old man says. "Quit your whining," the second man replies. "I'm so constipated I never have a regular bowel movement anymore." "That's nothin," the third man says. "Every morning I have a long pee at 6:00. Then I have a bowel movement at 6:30" "Then what are you complaining about?" the first man asks. "I don't wake up until 7:00." the third man replies.

[sailormari]

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.


A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Ishikawaluvr]

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

That one's a lot funnier with the graphic.

[Chasif]

This is a joke my cousin told me that relates to street fighter (the Capcom video game).



What did Ken say to Ryu when Ryu asked to borrow Ken's car?




Sure-you-can (Shoyru-Ken)

[David Snow]

A lady, carrying a rather homely looking baby, gets on a bus bound for another town. She takes the only available seat, near the back of the bus, across from a scruffy looking man. After a few miles down the road, the lady can't help noticing the man keeps staring at her and the baby.

Finally, the man says, "Lady, I can't help but tell you this, but that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The lady tries to ignore the unkempt man, but he keeps on, talking and snickering about how ugly the baby is.

Finally, after a good many miles down the road, the lady can take it no longer. She storms up to the front and tells the bus driver how insulting the man across from her has been. "He has insulted me so badly, I have taken about all I can stand. I'm about ready to sue the bus company!'
"Now calm down, lady," the bus driver tells her. "We're coming up to a rest stop about five miles down the road. We can get off the bus for a while. I'll take you into the station and buy you a cup of coffee...maybe a sandwich if you're hungry... and I'll even see if they have a banana for your monkey."

[Sin86]

A lady, carrying a rather homely looking baby, gets on a bus bound for another town. She takes the only available seat, near the back of the bus, across from a scruffy looking man. After a few miles down the road, the lady can't help noticing the man keeps staring at her and the baby.

Finally, the man says, "Lady, I can't help but tell you this, but that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The lady tries to ignore the unkempt man, but he keeps on, talking and snickering about how ugly the baby is.

Finally, after a good many miles down the road, the lady can take it no longer. She storms up to the front and tells the bus driver how insulting the man across from her has been. "He has insulted me so badly, I have taken about all I can stand. I'm about ready to sue the bus company!'
"Now calm down, lady," the bus driver tells her. "We're coming up to a rest stop about five miles down the road. We can get off the bus for a while. I'll take you into the station and buy you a cup of coffee...maybe a sandwich if you're hungry... and I'll even see if they have a banana for your monkey."

ha ha

good one david

[.Brian]

a termite walks into a bar and asks : Is the bar tender here?

Yeah, that's my best joke. :-(

[ZetaCron]

This isn't so much my best joke, as the one I've heard the most recently:
What's the difference between a women and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.
=====
However, my most frequent joke is as follows:

Once upon a time, there was a man named Collin, and Collin was forever boasting that there wasn't a single person that he didn't know, so one day his boss challanged him - "Okay, Collin, so you know everyone there is, but would you know, say, Tom Cruise?"
"Tom Cruise? Sure I would! Let's take the next plane to hollywood and I'll introduce you."
So over to Hollywood they went, where they met Tom Cruise.
"Okay, okay, so you know Tom Cruise - Big Deal. There's no way, however, that you could possibly know the president of the United States?"
"Who? The President!? Of course I know the President! - Let's take a trip to the white house."
So to the white house they go, where Collin introduces his boss to the President.
"Okay, so your old friends with the President, but there is no WAY in the WORLD that could POSSIBLE know... uh... THE POPE!!"
"The Pope? Of course I know the Pope."
So off to the vatican they go, and upon arriving at the entrance, are greeted by guards, who of course, Collin knows. Collin turns to his boss and says "You wait here while I go up and get the Pope. We'll come out on that balcony up there and give you a wave, okay?"
"Yeah, okay, whatever," agreed Collin's boss.
Eventually, Collin and the Pope came out on the balcony and waved.
And to Collin's Boss's complete surprise, the person next to him said "Hey, who's that up on the balcony with Collin?"
=====

^Hope I worded the joke clearly enough.

[mangomalte]

ok, this story is not really a joke, but it's really funny anyway. and this is also a true story.

a depressed man decided to commit suicide and to really make sure that he died he planned to take his life in every possible way he could think of. he decided to hang himself, shoot himself in the head, burn himself up and poison himself. so he got himself a rope, a gun, a can of gasoline and a capsule with poison and went and found himself a sturdy looking branch on a big tree. then he tied the snare and put it around his neck, swallowed the capsule, loaded the gun, poured the gasoline over himself and put himself on fire and jumped down the steep just by the tree. so far he was succeeding pretty well, but when he was supposed to shoot himself in the head he missed and shot of the rope which he hanged himself with. so he fell down the steep into the water below, which put out the fire, and since he landed on his stomach he threw up the capsule with poison. so he survived. he got himself ashore and thought that he maybe wasn't supposed to die and went home.

that's what i call tough luck.