What is your best joke?
#61
Posted 25 May 2007 - 10:59 PM
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
i love chuck norris jokes!
#62
Posted 26 May 2007 - 09:31 AM
Chuck Norris' tears cure Cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
#63
Posted 27 May 2007 - 10:58 AM
(a blog)
#64
Posted 27 May 2007 - 05:16 PM
24th Century Health Crazes
14. Janeway eye exercises
13. Tom Paris Guarantee: Break warp ten; weight is more easily spread once you have been morphed into a slug thingy.
12. The Ab-Phaser
11. The Troi All-Chocolate Diet
10. Ion-free water
9. The Gut Imploder
8. Personal Fitness Trainer Who's an Alien That Takes Over Your Body, Goes Through a Grueling Workout, and then Vacates Before Your Rubdown and Spa
7. Lipo-transportation
6. Virtual Sit-Ups
5. Body by Q
4. Klingon Step-on-the-Heart-of-Your-Enemy Aerobics
3. Warp Power Yoga
2. The Matter-Antimatter Diet
1. That Magic Stick in Sickbay the Doctor Runs Over Your Thighs and Buttocks So You Can Fit in the Jumpsuit
voted Mari's Greatest Fan in the 2010 & 2011 Greatest Fan Awards...thanks to all who voted for me and thanks to Sprinklebuns♥Yutorin for siggy
#65
Posted 27 May 2007 - 05:52 PM
Eerr.... nubs? Scroll up... (The fact that you posted the same joke that someone's already posted a few posts earlier is kind of a joke unto itself) Heh. Gomen. *bow*
some jokes deserve to be told twice!
#66
Posted 27 May 2007 - 06:08 PM
24th Century Urban Legends
If you have any suggestions to add (originals only, please), let me know!
10. The guy who came out of the transporter with someone else's legs.
9. The woman who accidentally ordered poisoned eggs from the replicator.
8. The kid who got stuck in the deuterium tanks and grew up all "funny."
7. The lovers who went on a pleasure cruise through a nebula and heard on the news that there was a serial killer on the loose with a hook for a hand, and when they got back there was a hook stuck to the nacelle.
6. The Vulcan who mind-melded with a Medusan and went all nuts and tried to kill people and stuff. (Historians believe there might be an actual incident behind this legend, but they're not sure.)
5. The Ferengi who thought he was eating grown-up spiders, but they turned out to be baby spiders, and the mother came along and ate him.
4. The guy who picked up a hooker in a bar, and when he woke up, he was in a whole bunch of different jars, and even though the cops caught the guys who removed all his pieces to sell on the black market and made them put him back together again, they never could find his right foot.
3. Captain Kirk once had sex with an alien who turned out to be a vampire, and now his alien child roams through space, only targeting Earth women with blond hair.
2. Nostradamus predicted the Cardassian War.
1. This maintenance guy at Jupiter Station who didn't know that his wife threw some trilithium-soaked rags in the toilet, so he threw a match in there and his ass wound up in hyperspace.
voted Mari's Greatest Fan in the 2010 & 2011 Greatest Fan Awards...thanks to all who voted for me and thanks to Sprinklebuns♥Yutorin for siggy
#67
Posted 27 May 2007 - 07:10 PM
Paddy is at a nightclub. He spots a beautiful girl and goes over to her asking "Would you like to have sex?". She replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle". He says "Great, I'm on my scooter. I'll follow you home".
Firemen rescued a young Irish lad from a condom machine. They ask him what happened. He said the sign on the machine said "Insert £2 and push knob in"
This isn't an Irish joke:
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats gets excited and asks where he got it from. Follow me he says. Off they flew over the hills and rivers and into a dark forest. See that tree over there he says. Yes they all reply. Well I flippin didn't.
#68
Posted 27 May 2007 - 09:09 PM
The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a ‘fuse’.
The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day
An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say "Come."
Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.
Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s MINE!"
When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.
Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn’t done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
Data falls in love with the replicator.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN’T get into a fistfight...)
Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.
Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics
Spock isn’t the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke, and he doesn’t raise his eybrow
voted Mari's Greatest Fan in the 2010 & 2011 Greatest Fan Awards...thanks to all who voted for me and thanks to Sprinklebuns♥Yutorin for siggy
#69
Posted 16 June 2007 - 04:48 PM
great.. but i dont understand the 2nd joke...A couple of Irish jokes for you:
Paddy is at a nightclub. He spots a beautiful girl and goes over to her asking "Would you like to have sex?". She replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle". He says "Great, I'm on my scooter. I'll follow you home".
Firemen rescued a young Irish lad from a condom machine. They ask him what happened. He said the sign on the machine said "Insert £2 and push knob in"
This isn't an Irish joke:
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats gets excited and asks where he got it from. Follow me he says. Off they flew over the hills and rivers and into a dark forest. See that tree over there he says. Yes they all reply. Well I flippin didn't.
#70
Posted 16 June 2007 - 06:34 PM
here some
Top Ten Signs Paris Hilton Has Found God
Instead of pretending to read newspapers, now pretending to read the Bible
Been exchanging text messages with Pope Benedict XVI
New catchphrase? "That's holy!"
Begins each day with a prayer to Santa
Spent the last 10 hours trying to turn water into cosmopolitans
Vowed to give up all earthly possessions that are no longer in style
Changed chihuahua's name from Tinkerbell to Ezekiel
Now, only time she gets on her knees is to pray
Latest sex tape sponsored by the National Council of Churches
Often asks herself: "Where would Jesus shop?"
voted Mari's Greatest Fan in the 2010 & 2011 Greatest Fan Awards...thanks to all who voted for me and thanks to Sprinklebuns♥Yutorin for siggy
#72
Posted 17 June 2007 - 07:17 PM
haha... understood..Hahaha, nice ones, sailormari. But I think PVCpipe meant the 2nd joke as in the firemen joke with the condom machine.
PVCpipe, the Irish guy thought "knob" meant his penis as opposed to the handle or button on the machine. See this site for British Slang.
#73
Posted 17 June 2007 - 09:23 PM
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone
One more:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
Pwned
#74
Posted 18 June 2007 - 06:43 PM
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
voted Mari's Greatest Fan in the 2010 & 2011 Greatest Fan Awards...thanks to all who voted for me and thanks to Sprinklebuns♥Yutorin for siggy
#75
Posted 18 June 2007 - 07:09 PM
#76
Posted 19 June 2007 - 07:42 PM
3 man entered a remote forest and was caught by some cannibals and was brought to their cannibal-king, the cannibal-king told them ' If each one of you could bring back 10 amount of one fruit we'll let you free '....So the three man when off to look for the fruits, after awhile one man came back bringing along 10 Juicy Red Apples and the cannibal-king told him ' if you could put all 10 apples in your ass without making an expression we'll let you off ', but then on the 4th apple the man gave a painful expression and was killed, now the second man came bringing along 10 small cherrys, the cannibal king told him to do the same thing as what the first man did and he followed but weirdly on the 9th cherry the man suddenly laughed ! The Cannibal King was curious and ask the man ' why did you laughed?' and the man replied ' Because i saw the 3rd man coming back with 10 watermelons!!!'
kinda confusing
#77
Posted 19 June 2007 - 10:47 PM
hahaha.. i cant stop laughing, nice one from the 2nd person..Not really my best one but here goes...
3 man entered a remote forest and was caught by some cannibals and was brought to their cannibal-king, the cannibal-king told them ' If each one of you could bring back 10 amount of one fruit we'll let you free '....So the three man when off to look for the fruits, after awhile one man came back bringing along 10 Juicy Red Apples and the cannibal-king told him ' if you could put all 10 apples in your ass without making an expression we'll let you off ', but then on the 4th apple the man gave a painful expression and was killed, now the second man came bringing along 10 small cherrys, the cannibal king told him to do the same thing as what the first man did and he followed but weirdly on the 9th cherry the man suddenly laughed ! The Cannibal King was curious and ask the man ' why did you laughed?' and the man replied ' Because i saw the 3rd man coming back with 10 watermelons!!!'
kinda confusing
#78
Posted 24 June 2007 - 10:11 AM
Customer: "I want to download the Internet. Do I need a bigger hard disk?"
Download the Internet here
#79
Posted 27 June 2007 - 05:00 PM
no hard feeling k.. just a jokeA man is taking a walk in Central park
in New York
Suddenly he sees a little girl being
attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with
the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and
saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene
walks over and says:
"You are a hero!"
Tomorrow you can read it in all the
newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of
little girl "
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
It will be said in newspapers in the
morning:
"Brave American saves the life of little
girl"
"But I am not an American!" says the man.
"Oh, what are you then? " Police asked.
The man says: "I am an Iranian ! "
The next day the newspapers says:
"Islamic extremist killed innocent
American dog!"
#80
Posted 27 June 2007 - 05:49 PM
lol pwned.
Another for all ya who wub Chuck Norris facts
The 1st day
God: Let there be Light!
Chuck Norris: Say please
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