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#21 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:23 AM

If you want to figure out a way to make your sentences less choppy, you should think of sentence structure and length. Try adding more description or thought into the sentence and smooth it out . Or, go into details in the paragraphs.

That's my two cents there, but of course, like TIN said, you're not writing for an assignment but if you feel like you want to improve...then yeah.




Thank you!
I'm really good at essays and stuff, but for some reason when I'm writing stories, it doesnt come out like I want it to..
maybe I should write MM essay, then it will be good :lol:
thaanks for the advice! I'll work on it through this story. Its all practice, right?


#22 Glasseyelashes

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:25 AM

i actually didn't see any mistakes, but then again, the writing style is kinda like mine. i don't use alot of descriptive words, only because i don't know too many, and i don't like using the same ones over and over again. but yes, these stories are only for fun, not for anything else.

#23 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:28 AM

i actually didn't see any mistakes, but then again, the writing style is kinda like mine. i don't use alot of descriptive words, only because i don't know too many, and i don't like using the same ones over and over again. but yes, these stories are only for fun, not for anything else.




We'll blame it on our readers. They're all so ... young.. we need to cater to their needs!
just kidding of course :lol:
thank you for your support ^_^


#24 taskinist

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:31 AM

...Was that aimed at me? =_______=



Takagaki~ :lol:

haga akane 12th gen danbara ruru


#25 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:33 AM

Not at all wendy~
I already have the entire idea for cchapter 5 in my head
if my brother would get off the main computer!


#26 ShikyoxYaiba

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:34 AM

:lol: (<-- At myself) OBJECTION! ^_^ Actually, I just turned 16...

I'm the opposite actually. I write fairly good fanfics and good essays...but somehow, there's always something wrong with my essays (in a grammatical, strict-English type of way). :x

#27 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:37 AM

Happy birthday!
I remember when I turned 16
oh, the days. I miss those days of innocence~

The next chapter will be dedicated to you as a present.

I'm good at strict english but not good at stories, yknow? I've had a lot more practice at essays, and I find having a topic chosen for me to be a lot easier to follow.


#28 ShikyoxYaiba

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:40 AM

^Ack, that's what I really, really don't like about essays. Especially since I stink at finding literature/historical references on the spot. (I'm more of a math/science person...)

I consider myself fairly good at sadder/more depressing oneshots...lol. I don't know, writing a sad fic comes easier than a happy one for some reason. :lol: I reread my oneshot "Answers" and compared it to the recent humor "Sress & Relief" that I just typed up and I still find the depressing one better. O_o

Oh, and I just realized another chapter is up. ^_^ And... *sniff sniff* Do I smell TakaGaki? (I actually DO have a fairly good sense of smell IRL... :()

#29 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:43 AM

its human nature to enjoy morbid things more!
dont stop writing stories ever, ok? You're really really good.


#30 taskinist

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 04:11 AM

Misa, you sound like an old man.
BACK WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HAD TO WALK TO SCHOOL IN 6 FEET OF SNOW, UPHILL BOTH WAYS!!! WITH NO SHOES!
SHADDUP =0=


Kick your brother for me. :lol:

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#31 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 05:45 AM

Chapter..5!
This one has the most words so far. Its not as action packed as the other ones I don't think, but I hope you still enjoy it.
Surprise!


“Come on Gaki, don’t be so afraid.” Ai said as she reached for me again. I backed away, wondering what was up. Ai hadn’t even hinted that she liked me, and now she was doing THIS? It was all to crazy to make sense. I hit the wall and could back away no further. I had to let her, didn’t I? That’s how I reasoned it, anyways. She leaned in for the kiss. I was just about prepared until…

“What the hell are you dreaming about? It sounds like you’re in the middle of making porn…” I opened my eyes; Reina was standing over my bed.
“What are you doing here?” I asked slowly.
“I need a favour from you.” She responded, coolly.
“What makes you think I’ll do anything for you?”
“It’ll be on your conscious forever if you don’t. It’s your fault I almost got kicked out of Hello! Project, with that little lie of yours.”
“You deserved it.” I said bluntly.
“Yeah, well, you still owe me. I want you to take Kamei out, spend a day with her, show her that you’re the awesome person that you are, and then maybe she’ll develop a crush on you.”
“Why do you want me to do that?”
“Well, Aiba… He’s not much of a looker, but he’s actually pretty good at what he does. He’s quite the pleaser… I think I might have been cooped up with you girls for too long, because really, what was I thinking? I don’t like girls at all…”
“I think Kamei has moved on from you anyways. She was getting pretty buddy-buddy with Sayumi,” I said, with a small smile. I couldn’t help remembering how shocking it was to see Kamei that happy.
“That girl has no taste.”
“She had a crush on you. Thanks for making that one easy for me.” Reina laughed and so did I.
“Hey look, if you want, I can take you out and introduce you to Aiba’s JE pals. They’re all pretty hot, and I could see you hooking up with some NEWS member…”
“Eh? No! That’s okay. I’m fine here.” I could feel myself going red. “I mean I’m—“
“Never mind, then. I guess I have to go apologize to Aika. Tsunku didn’t even consider meeting with her, let alone letting her leave, so I guess I better start acting like a friend, give her a reason to stay, you know…”
“That’s good of you, Reina…” It really was good of her. It was hard enough to get the girl to say sorry, let alone apologize AND act upon her apology.
She left, and I grinned to myself. Maybe, just maybe, this could actually have been an attitude changer. Maybe Morning Musume was going to live up to its image. Maybe…

After I wasted a long time battling my hair (which was getting long again), I head out to practice, feeling a lot more bubbly than I had in the last little while.
“Surprise!” I opened the door, and only Ai and our vocal coach were in the room.
“Great surprise…Where is everyone?” I asked.
“Well, they’re off practicing their songs, right? We need to practice our duet for the concert…” Ai responded.
“Oh, duh,” I laughed, and then felt awkward. I was acting like some high-school girl now.

“Your laugh was really cute there,” Ai said with a grin. And of course, that qued me blushing and I looked away.
After practice was over, we hung back for a conversation.
“Reina actually apologized?” Ai asked a shocked expression on her face.
I laughed. “No, no, not to me, she said she was going to apologize to Aika. She wanted me to take Kamei out on a date, eh? That’s crazy… I mean,”
“You’re not really a lesbian?” Ai asked.
I dropped the lyrics card I was holding.
“No I—Well, no, I don’t think so… I mean, I … don’t know.” I finished, hating myself.
She laughed. “Well, once you sort out your emotions, let me know, okay?”
What did she mean by that? I started thinking of all the possibilities...

Just then, the door banged open. Aika was standing in the frame, teary-eyed. “Oh, I’m so sorry, this is the wrong studio…”
“Eh, come in, Aika!” Ai gestured her into the room. “What happened?”
“Oh it’s nothing, really. I mean…” She looked away.
“Come on, you can tell us…” I said encouragingly.
“Well, I was working with Reina… I was trying really hard, but I’m not that great at singing, am I? Well…” She swallowed. “Reina told me I was hopeless, and she said … she said she wished I would just leave Morning Musume and never come back…”
(saying Ai and I is really awkward ftr, but that’s proper English)
Ai and I rushed over to her, and gave her the biggest hug we could. “Just ignore her, Aika…” I said, trying my hardest to sound sympathetic.
The only thought on my mind was how much I wanted to slap Reina again. What happened to her apologizing?


#32 DarkRai

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 05:49 AM

TakaGaki TakaGaki WOOT WOOT

>< okay I don't think I'm mentally well these days...
and WTF are you talking about glasseyelashes?!
lol both you and Berryz Kamen are good

lol Shikyo is only 16? Haah... I wanna go back to that time... I'm going to be 18 soon... and.. omg I just got myself depressed
so how old are you Berryz?

now for an on topic comment
Geez, did Eri just move on to Michishige!??!?! o.O"
nuoooo don't tell me you just obliterated TanaKame just like that T_T
Still wondering if Mitsui is okay...
and LOL
"all the younger members ..... and Junjun" :whistle:
So I'm assuming Niigaki has not yet realized any growing feelings for Takahashi?
Oook, it's times like these I wish I can see into Takahashi's head =.="

Go Go!! Kick you brother off NOW!!!



Edit: JESUS CHRIST YOU!!! YOU BEAT ME!!!!! T_T now my comment feels worthless here...
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#33 pcysrok

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 05:53 AM

TakaGaki TakaGaki WOOT WOOT

>< okay I don't think I'm mentally well these days...
and WTF are you talking about glasseyelashes?!
lol both you and Berryz Kamen are good

lol Shikyo is only 16? Haah... I wanna go back to that time... I'm going to be 18 soon... and.. omg I just got myself depressed
so how old are you Berryz?

now for an on topic comment
Geez, did Eri just move on to Michishige!??!?! o.O"
nuoooo don't tell me you just obliterated TanaKame just like that T_T
Still wondering if Mitsui is okay...
and LOL
"all the younger members ..... and Junjun" XD
So I'm assuming Niigaki has not yet realized any growing feelings for Takahashi?
Oook, it's times like these I wish I can see into Takahashi's head =.="

Go Go!! Kick you brother off NOW!!!




Glasseyelashes writes amazingly :whistle: I agree!
Eri's accepting that shes lost Reina to someone else, not necessarily moving on quite yet
OH SHHH~ THATS A CLUE~
I'm 17, turning 18 in june~ XD
Junjun's language barrier would just prevent her from knowing whats going on. She'd be in the room, feeling the atmosphere, but not knowing exactly whats going on. Its better to have it explained by someone who is more patient..


#34 Glasseyelashes

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 06:46 AM

^eh, now you got me blushing. thanks you guys for the compliments. :whistle:

another really great chapter! they're coming so quickly, i can hardly keep up.

so risa's developing feelings for ai. i hope she acts on it soon. and reina! man! that girl is so selfish! i'm right with risa, she needs a good slap.

#35 DarkRai

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 07:11 AM

lol glasseyelashes :) you deserve them don't worry~
its kinda funny praising someone on somebody else's thread though ><

ugh.. still bitter at the fact you posted your new chapter before I could even comment.. 5 MIN DAMMIT
5 MIN TO CHECK OVER MY COMMENT AND YOU POSTED!!
gaaaar..

Off topic but lol I'm older than you by 3 months woo~

and well... Junjun's Japanese is rapidly improving :whistle:
I would slap Tanakacchi if I wasn't chivalrous... and if this was real...
and... Takahashi... please tell me shes got some thing for Niigaki-san!!
also, you got my hopes up for TanaKame and then shot it while it was still taking flight!! XD
Although... if Tanakacchi is like this.. I kinda don't really want her with Eri then :P
but hey.. if Eri half moved on, then I feel sorry for Michishige when she goes back.

haaah.. you update so fast... I both love it and dread it... I dread seeing the end to this.. however I look forward to a TakaGaki development!!
also, "Ai and I rushed over to her" haha, one of the reasons why I don't write in first person XD
but did anybody else think of the Ai Ai song when they saw this?? read it out loud and the song starts blasting through your mind.. or it could be just me...

(I am currently stalking you, and I'm waiting for you to sleep so I can hypnotize you to write more bwahaha) XD
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#36 kamegoo

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 02:35 PM

haha, give Reina a good slap on the face! im definitely loving her chara here~ >:]]..so evil!!! >:]]

hmmm, like how the story goes..hehehe. :] unique. cnt wait for moar~

excuse my short comment/s. wanna keep it as simple as possible. gomen. and goodluck~
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#37 yupshezeducated

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 04:49 PM

OMG you update hella fast!!! which I love i tend to grow impatient for fic teehee but I love your story... Last night... very late that's why I waited till this morning to comment (worried about the nonsense i might type while deprived of sleep and hopped up on caffeine)

Comments on story Reina's a total witch spelled with a "b" here I was glad gaki slapped and can't wait til she does it again... Eri seems pretty darn fickle but that totally fits her character well imho... I smell takagaki yeaa~ boy~ I'm lovin it this by far one of my fav pairings (2nd to GAM lol) I wonder if Ai is into Risa seems as though she hinting at it... I hope Gaki figures out her whole sexual identity without a lot of angst...

P.S Wow suddenly I feel extremely old... turned 19 in July damn... *gets the depressed and walks away* Oh where does the time go??

P.P.S Also a big fan of glasseyelashes!!!

#38 suaracheerios

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 01:24 AM

Got to agree with everyone else I'm loving how fast you update! Now I look forward to checking your story when I log into H!O. :blush:

Ai-chan sure is blunt with Risa isn't she? And poor Aika unaware that she's being toyed with, I wonder if she really will decide to leave. Can't wait for the rest~!
Dang it... I'm getting so addicted to all this fan fiction. :D


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#39 Tay-sama

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 09:59 PM

Hey I finished to read the last chapter. I loved your fic Posted Image . but what will happen with Tanakamei. Ai-chan nor if gave account that Risa likes she, I thinks :D
And you update very fast
Spoiler
Posted Image
Ganbare Posted Image

s2 TanaKamei s2 / s2 TakaGaki s2
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Credits for sig kawaii-beam!!! A homage for DAH Family!!!


#40 erien2314

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Posted 15 November 2008 - 12:41 AM

hey you! first post! :P
I really like the story! Its really cool! ^^;

Cant wait to se what hapen next! :)

Sorry to make such a short post hehe ^^;




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