341 replies to this topic

[sailormari]

Star Wars Lines Improved by Substituting the Word “Pants”

1. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. The Force is strong in my pants.
4. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
5. Your pants, you will not need them.
6. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
7. You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.
8. Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader’s pants.
9. In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
10. I think you just can’t bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.
11. Pull up! All pants pull up!
12. I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
13. I’ve just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever.
14. Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!
15. These aren’t the pants you’re looking for.

[ZetaCron]

@ Sailormari's Star Wars post: :lol

I wonder what other classic movie lines can be "improved" by using the word "pants"?

I'm an oldschool transformers fan, so here're my misrable attepmts: "Megatron must be stopped, no matter the pants."

"The insecticons are in our pants" - "You mean they're our pants in!"

and this one's just lame: "Bah weep grah nah weep nini pants"

"Now light our darkest pants."

"Soon, I shall be one with the pants."

I'll give up now, I don't wanna change this into the "pants" thread. (Seriously though, someone should start that!)

[sailormari]

here some more


We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

Many bobans died to bring us these pants.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

Luke.....I am your pants.

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

[mangomalte]

Luke.....I am your pants.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" those were really funny, sailormari.

here's another true story about a guy doing something stupid.

a man was going to lay a roof and got the tiles he needed for it. they were in a big box which he hoisted up with a rope and a hoister system to the roof two floors up. but for some stupid reason he loosed the rope, maybe he was thinking that the box was well up on the roof and not still hanging in the air or maybe he wasn't thinking at all. either way, he held on to the rope, and since the box was heavier he flew up to the second floor pretty fast. he hit the box on the way up and breaked a few bones before two of his fingers went into the tackle and were crushed to smithereens and stopped the box before it hit the ground. but the box didn't hold for the sudden stop, and the bottom of it broke and the tiles fell to the ground and breaked. now the man was the heavier of the two, and of course he fell down, met the box on the way down and got a big mark on his butt from hitting it before he landed on the pile of broken roof tiles, giving him a concussion. lying there, he let go of the rope, and the box fell down and landed on his leg, breaking it.

this guy's got some really bad luck.

[.Brian]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, You Sign! You sign!
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, You Sign! You sign!
Nelson says to him, Look, youve obviously got the wrong man, and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling, You sign! You sign
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: Look, go away! Youve got the wrong man, I dont want them! Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, You sign! You sign!
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
Look, I dont want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to? The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

You not Nissan Main Dealer?

[SuperGT]

Very funny thread I especially liked the old men joke (where he wakes up at 7am) and a lot of sailormari's jokes.

I've got a few... I know it's supposed to be one joke per post, but I don't want to litter the place with multiple posts.

----------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running away from the police. They find a barn, sneak in, and try to find a place to hide. The farmer is shocked when he finds them, but they plead and beg him to help them hide.

"Here are three potato sacks," he said. "You can hide in these."

Later that night, the police storm inside the barn, only to find three potato sacks lying on the ground. One of the cops kicked one of the sacks.

"Woof woof!" said the red head.

"Oh, it's just a dog," said the cop, and he moved to the second sack, kicking it as well.

"Meoow!" said the brunette.

"Oh, it's just a cat," said the cop, moving to the third sack, in which the blonde was hiding. He kicked it.

"Potatoes!" said the blonde.

----------------------

This one is a Brazilian joke, making fun of this airline which was almost out of business. You could say it's like Spirit Airlines (cheap airfare).

During a flight, the stewardess goes up to a passenger.

"Sir," she says, "would you like to have dinner now?"

"Sure," he says, sitting up. "What are my choices?"

"Yes or no."

--------------------

How many Freudians do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the lightbulb, and another to hold the penis... I mean the ladder.

--------------------

Two men are having lunch together. One of them turns to the other.

"Dude, have you ever had a Freudian slip?"

"Yeah," said the second. "One time, I was at the airport trying to buy a ticket to Pittsburg. The lady at the counter had these huge breasts, though, so instead of saying 'Can I have a ticket to Pittsburg?' I said 'Can I have a ticket to Titsburg?'"

"I can do one better," said the first. "Yesterday I was having breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying 'Honey, can you please pass the salt?' I said 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU ###### BITCH!!'"

[PNZラン]

haha lightbulb jokes are great
~
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?



None, they just sit in the dark and cry

[ZetaCron]

@ Sailormari - did you get those pants lines from somewhere, or are you just makin' 'em up?

and I think this line:

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

would be funnier if it read: A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the pants of my old master.

====

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: *Gasp* I'm offended!!
===
Q: How many councilers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Counciler's don't change lightbulbs, but they do offer pamphlets on coping with darkness.

[SuperGT]

Good jokes, guys, I like the whole lightbulb thing And he got those from somewhere, they're rather popular. It's kinda like the whole "in my pants" joke with movie titles (put it at the end of a movie title, e.g. 28 Weeks Later in my pants, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi in my pants, Balls of Fury in my pants), or the "in bed" joke for chinese fortunes. Once I even saw a kid who substituted the word "wand" in the Harry Potter books for "wang," with some rather hilarious results.

As for a joke.. I had to look this up, I couldn't remember all the details.

--------------
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

[sailormari]

the star wars pants joke been around for years on the internet first time i saw it was about 9 years ago

[PNZラン]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. After a good dinner and a nice chat by their fire, they settled down for the night and went to sleep.

A few hours later Holmes woke up, nudged sleeping Watson and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Sherlock then said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or two of contemplation Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant things. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today."
Watson pauses and then says, "What does it tell you Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

[KNP6bI]

What is yellow, obviously hot,
lovely kissed by a momusu,
and jumping over strings
when doing music?

A cute chick on Tsunku's guitar.

[sailormari]

'Star Wars' Euphemisms for Masturbation

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon

14. Grooming the Wookie

13. Making the Kessel Run

12. Polishing Vader's Helmet

11. Evacuating Tatooine

10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber

9. Releasing the Special Edition

8. Jumping to Delight Speed

7. Communicating with Red Leader One

6. Light saber Practice with Captain Solo

5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit

4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...

1. Test Firing the Death Star

[SuperGT]

Hahahaha, I never heard those, sailormari, they're awesome.

[Kishimoto Erika]

, sailormari. You've really got some good ones! (If not perverted. . .)

[KNP6bI]

Gosh! hopefully you don't say anything about the dark side...


This is a joke given by my research's project supervisor :

This is two English mens that are taking train together since 20 years.
Of course, They never speak themselves cause they never exchange names.
But one day, one of them have to leave his job at 70 years.
With most timidity he ask to the other man.

_I am very sorry to disturb you. So, well, we taking this train since 20 years morning
and there is a question that I have all the time.
You know, this is the last time that I go to work, so I cannot have rest without an answer.
_Of course, what is your request?
_Well, Each time between Eastwick and London, you open the window and take a box in your pocket
for dropping a strange powder outside. What is it?
_It is an anti-elephant powder...
_But, there is no elephant in this place!
_Efficient, isn't it ?

[sailormari]

The recently released Making of Star Wars includes many startling revelations, such as that George Lucas originally set his saga in the 33rd century. Perhaps even more astounding, though, is that the action didn't take place in the vastness of outer space... nope, it was gonna be in Texas, a galaxy unto itself.

Clearly, things changed. But before they did, the Maker wrote a full outline for
The Lone Star Wars State (working title). So let's take a look at...

The Top Ten Changes had Star Wars Stayed In Texas

(drumroll please)

#10 --- Instead of a helmet, Vader sports a ten-gallon Stetson.

#9 --- The Kaminoans live, and clone, on an oil rig.

#8 --- May the Force be with you... a-yup.

#7 --- Imperial Walker, Texas Ranger

#6 --- Darth Maul stabs Qui-Gon... then looks at Obi-Wan and yells "Don't mess with TexSith!"

#5 --- The Prequel political parallels, um, remain the same.

#4 --- Before starting Luke's training, Yoda whips up a couple of 32 oz. steaks.

#3 --- The climax of Episode II takes place in a Geonosian rodeo.

#2 --- "Remember Echo Base!"

And the #1 change is --- two words: Bubba Fett.

[Nessy]

Freud jokes

I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I love people poking fun at Freud.


As for my favorite joke, I've always been partial to:

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and is like, "Will you have the usual?" Descartes says, "I think not." and promptly disappears.

Eh? Eh??

[SuperGT]

(Looks up Rene Descartes on Wikipedia)

Oooooh! Hahaha

That reminds me of a quote from Saved by the Bell, where Lisa is trying to sound smart.

"But if I think not, am I not? I think not, don't you think?"

[nubs]

ok here's a joke i read donkeys years ago, its quite goos:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they
were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."