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#21 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 07:32 AM

Chapter 18


The next couple of days flew by in a hazard. Saki reappeared for the rehearsal Saturday, apologizing deeply for her absence claiming she had been very sick and slept in. Which hadn’t been a lie, she had blacked out completely and not woken up until 15 the day after, unable to stand up. Abe-san reassured the group that Mai was fine, that she had just gone home due to a migraine and was due to come back the next day. Airi felt guilty for forcing Mai to disappear and decided that space between them was probably the right thing to do. Chisato had been texting Mai saying she hoped she was ok, but had gotten no reply and blamed herself for being too pushy. At her return, Mai had tried discretely to talk to Airi about what had happened, only to be met with a quick excuse to leave. As the day passed with Chisato avoiding her, and now Airi seemingly doing so as well, Mai felt less and less motivated to go to work. Or to do anything, really. She would spend the next days crying herself to sleep every night until she suddenly didn’t anymore. She felt notably numb and decided she had probably run out of tears. Saki noticed Mai looking off and considering she knew about Chisato avoiding her for personal reasons, she decided to try and talk to her a little, only to find her sitting with Maimi who was evidently trying to talk to her too. When the former saw Saki she got up and left abruptly, leaving Mai on her own. This made it hard for Saki to really focus on talking to Mai, but she tried anyway, which Mai really appreciated. Chisato tried on more than one occasion to convince herself of talking to her, but whenever they got eye-contact, Chisato felt her heart break all over again. She hated herself for being selfish. She hated herself for not being able to talk to her obviously troubled friend. She also hated herself for not being able to get Saki to talk to her about what seemed to be bothering her. It seemed she had headaches all the time and was always pale and weak. She had heard no news about Maimi and her, which also concerned Chissa greatly. Saki on her part was getting a bad habit of drinking almost nightly to kill the thoughts in her head. Whenever she tried to communicate to Maimi the latter would either brush her off or answer her with short, uninterested answers. Maimi on her part seemed to be back to casually attempting to make Airi ever so slightly uncomfortable by flirting carelessly with her. Airi responded by calling her an idiot lovingly and casually ignoring every unserious attempt from Maimi’s side. Mai had also experienced an increase in Maimi flirting towards her, and she assumed it was because their group Leader wasn’t big on talking emotionally, so it was her way of showing that she had noticed her sadness and wasn’t ok with it. Mai appreciated the effort, and didn’t have the heart to tell her that her flirting was probably doing more damage than good, as even though Mai knew for sure where Maimi stood with her, it was still somehow managing to mess with her head. But in fear that Maimi would avoid her like her two best friends were doing, she kept that to herself. Abe-san was very concerned about Mai, and tried to talk to her, but seemed to keep himself at a good 5 foot distance. Mai assumed it was probably because of the excessive amount of bodily contact they had had last time, which had made him more careful of his actions. It was a pity, because a good hug and a reassuring forehead-kiss was exactly what she needed. Abe-san had also been watching more over Saki, the latter noticed. He would always seem to have water and a smile for her in the morning. She realised he probably knew what she was doing and suddenly felt disgusting. She decided to try and hold back, and was somewhat successful except on occasions where her inner voice would get so self-depreciating that she decided it was the only way out. Chisato was also continuously trying to get her to talk about what was wrong, but she was too embarrassed by herself to admit it in full. This hurt Chisato, as it somewhat created a distance between the two of them as well, and she felt as if no one felt they could trust her. Airi and Chisato seemed to agree to avoid each other as well. Maybe because they refused to admit that misery loved company, and their last real conversation had really underlined that.


Airi felt extremely guilty both about kissing Mai and scaring her away, and keeping away on her own. Distraught, she had an awful time figuring out what was the right thing to do. At home, Rina had gradually moved most her stuff to Airi’s and seemed to have unofficially moved in. They had decided that Rina would still keep her own apartment to which her mail would be sent. Her manager would pick it up once a week and bring it to work. There had been no sign of the stalker for the past couple of weeks, but Rina’s manager warned that he might have been scared off for a little while after being called out on the show, and they shouldn’t assume just yet that he wasn’t coming back. Together, the two idols continued their late-time TV talk show. Airi was getting more and more comments on her blog because of it, and in the end she agreed with Abe-san that it was best for her to confess to the rest of the group about it before they found out about it by some other means. Maimi mostly praised her for the opportunity, but made it clear it was important that she took care of herself, because she was looking a little tired. Chissa and Nakky didn’t say much, both more or less agreeing with Maimi, but with more emphasis on the last part. Mai said nothing, but tried to smile a little at her, which was somehow painful. Abe-san joked that a good thing about her working that late was that she was so used to not sleeping, she was always one of the first to arrive to work. “Except for Sayashi Riho-chan” he said with wonderment. Everyone nodded. They had noticed that too. Saki had tried to talk to Riho again since the last time, but she was always busy during the day and Saki was having a lot of trouble waking up early in the morning. She was determined to talk to her as soon as possible though.


With weeks having passed, Chisato, Airi and Mai had seemingly gotten so distant that it wasn’t as much avoiding each other anymore as it was just… awkward. Chisato was still fighting a losing battle with her guilt, but she also felt that being away from Mai meant avoiding new pain and confusion – then, thinking that way of course resulted in her feeling even guiltier. She would talk to Saki about it, the latter constantly trying to push Chisato to make peace. But she was unsuccessful. Airi was distracting herself with Rina and work. She became so busy with her exposure causing more TV show appearances and Magazine photoshoots. Rina also seemed to be on the rise, which delighted Airi. She hoped they could one day have a photoshoot together.


Mai didn’t care anymore. 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#22 Ambenya


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Posted 09 October 2017 - 09:12 AM

Sorry I haven't been commenting but I have still been reading this!

I love how you wrote each member.  :good:

Maimi is so cruel in this but I understand that's just how she's potrayed and not how you really think of her. :)

I feel bad for Saki and it's sad to see her more or less becoming an alcoholic from what has happened. :sob:

Poor Airi accidently causing a misunderstanding and not meaning to confuse poor MaiMai.  ^^;

I wish Chisa would just get up the courage to tell Mai how she really feels and not just avoid things. XP

And MaiMai the poor baby is just super confused and doesn't know what to even think I hope things get better for her. <3


I hope that Daisuke doesn't making things even worse than what he already has. :angry:

And I wonder about Riho in this too since she always seems to be there early. :c11:

Also love the inclusion of Kawaei since I loved her when she was in AKB and feel so bad for everything that happened with her. :(


This fanfic is really interesting and I can't wait to see how the story pans out from here onwards. ^_^

I'm a loyal reader no matter what but I hope everything ends happy. :ph34r:

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Set made byaira慶一郎~ My blog: Cherry Blossom Wonderland My fanfic thread: Ambenya's Fanfic Wonderland

~Ikuta Erina~Sato Masaki~Ishida Ayumi~Oda Sakura~Nonaka Miki~Murota Mizuki~Funaki Musubu~Sasaki Rikako~Kawamura Ayano~Kasahara Momona~Kamikokuryo Moe~Takagi Sayuki~Dambara Ruru~Inaba Manaka~Yamaki Risa~Funaki Musubu~Nomura Minami~Hamaura Ayano~Ogata Risa~Ono Mizuho~Tanimoto Ami~Niinuma Kisora~Yamazaki Yuhane~Okamura Minami~Nishida Shiori~Eguchi Saya~Kiyono Momohime~Satoyoshi Utano~Yonemura Kirara~Kubota Nanami~Kanemitsu Ruru~Ono Kotomi~Matsunaga Riai~Kawano Minori~Kudo Yume~

#23 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 04:49 PM

^ aaaaaahhh thank you so much your comment almost made me cry haha <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

thank you for your observations, and I really hope you won't mind what is coming. 

- And yeah I followed Kawaei closely in AKB and the incident is actually somewhat what inspired me to write this story - kinda like a "behind the smiles of an idol" kind of thing (new title idea haha).


Again thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot to me that you are following so closely.

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#24 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 08:25 PM

I felt it was appropriate to post this chapter on World Mental Health day. Love you all, hope you're all doing ok, and if not that you are getting the help you deserve.

My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to.


On that note, here's Chapter 19


1 month later.



The alarm sounded loudly next to a very awake Mai. She turned it off and continued her night-long activity of staring at her white wall. Another night of no sleep. She sighed. There was nothing she wanted less right then, than to get out of bed and go to work. What was the point? She wasn’t doing a good job anyway with her lack of enthusiasm. She had gotten scolded multiple times for not smiling in interviews. Her dancing was slacking and uninspired. Her singing… well she had never been great at that, but she wasn’t even bothered to try anymore. And she couldn’t go to work for her friends anymore either. Chissa was.. out of the question. Airi was super busy and… weird… to be around. Nakky… well she had actually felt closer to Nakky the past month. They hadn’t talked a whole lot, but she had really made an effort to sit next to Mai and tried to involve herself in whatever Mai was feeling. But she had her own problems, it seemed, so Mai didn’t blame her for being distant. Maimi had honestly been sweet, but Mai had noticed something odd between Maimi and Nakky and she got the feeling that Maimi was partially the reason for Nakky’s distress so it was hard for her to not resent her a little bit. Daisuke was avoiding her too it seemed. He was looking at her a whole lot more than she used to, which she figured she was probably either imagining or overthinking. It was all so hopeless, and there was literally no reason for her to step out of that bed, except that she might get fired. But did she care about that anymore? That was the question. She wanted to believe she still loved what she did, but it was very hard to convince herself of that at this time. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.


“Cry” she whispered to herself “Please cry.” Nothing happened. She sighed and opened her eyes once again staring the wall. Something was blocked inside of her. Something was preventing all her feelings from appearing. It felt like a thick layer of cement had encircled all her emotions, slowly suffocating each one until it evaporated completely. All she wanted to do was to burst that wall, and the only way she could think of was to cause a leak in it by crying, but it just wasn’t happening. She sat up and crossed her arms around her knees. Maybe if she hid it’d be easier to cry? She stayed in that position for a little while, focusing on trying to get her abnormally dry eyes to water. Crycrycrycrycry she thought Just one tear. Please.  It was helpless. She was helpless. Her fight was interrupted when she heard someone approaching the door. She immediately threw herself back down, turned to the side and pretended to sleep when the door opened.


“Mai? Honey? It’s morning.” Sounded her mother’s voice. Mai didn’t move, she was afraid that if she reacted too fast, her mom would notice she hadn’t slept again. “Maai it’s time to wake up.” her voice was getting closer. Mai noted that she hadn’t mentioned work, which was new. She felt a bump on the bed and a hand on her head.
“Mai, love, stop pretending you’re asleep” said her mother suddenly. This forced the young idol to react. She turned to face her mom, who she had just noticed hadn’t even opened the drapes to let light it.


“Hi mom” said Mai “I’ll get up in five, I just wan-“


“You’re not getting up now, Mai.” Her mother interrupted “You need to stay right here with me.” Mai felt her mom’s arms close around her in a warm embrace.


“What do you mean?” she asked, confused.


“I’ve been watching you lately.” Her mother started “You don’t talk about work. You don’t smile. You don’t share your day. You pretty much come home and hide away in your room, where I know you don’t sleep because you look more and more exhausted every day.” Mai said nothing. She sat in her mother’s arms and pondered on what the appropriate answer to her mom’s worries was.


“Mom I don’t know what to say” she whispered, once again trying to force tears in her eyes unsuccessfully.


“You don’t have to say anything, love.” Her mom whispered back “You’re not ok, and that’s not something you need to excuse yourself for.” Mai nodded and rested her head on her mom’s collarbone. She was greeted with a reassuring kiss on the forehead.


“I’ll call your work and tell them you’re not coming in. Then we’ll go to the doctors and figure something out for you, ok?” she said softly and rocked Mai “We’ll see if we can find someone you can talk to – someone who can make you all better.”


“Thank you, mom” said Mai and felt a hint of gratitude inside her, which caused a hint of relief. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment. She was safe here. She was loved.


“Of course, honey. I apologize that I’ve waited until now, I’ve been selfish.” Her mom’s voice cracked.


“No, mom - please don’t say that” Mai hurried to say “You’ve been working to support us, and I’m really not doing so bad-“


“You’re a sweet girl, Mai” her mother laughed “Maybe too sweet for your own good”




“Why haven’t you talked to me or your sister about this?”


“I … didn’t want you to worry about nothing” Mai admitted.


“See, that’s what I mean. You should have talked to us, but you were worried you’d bother us. It’s ridiculous, Mai, you are never a bother.” Mai said nothing. She knew that wasn’t true. Otherwise why would Chisato openly state she needed some time away from her? Why would Airi do everything to avoid her? Why would Nakky force herself to talk to her, even though she was going through her own thing? She was a bother, and she just didn’t want to drag her hardworking mother and school-busy sister down with her.


“Can you tell me a little of what is happening with you, love?” asked her mother gently “Anything, just a hint.” Mai took a deep breath. She didn’t even know where to start.


“Is there something happening with your groupmates? Is work becoming too much? Is there a boy who is causing you problems at work?” the last one felt like a needle in Mai’s heart. Boy. She could laugh. She suddenly knew where to start “I know one thing isn’t going to explain everything that’s happening to you, but I know nothing – and – I 


“Mom.” She started, desperately trying to sort her thoughts into a phrase that would make sense “I…” she stopped.


“What is it?”


“I … am… in love” she murmured.


“Oh” said the mother “What’s his name?” This was it, Mai concluded. There was no turning back.


“Ch-“ she paused again. Took a deep breath. Closed her eyes. And went for it.


 “It’s Chisato.” She braced herself for a reaction.


“Chisato, huh?” said the mom quietly “That… actually makes perfect sense.” She hugged her daughter tightly “I’m sorry I just assumed it would be a boy, I’ve just seen you crush on male celebrities.” Mai felt herself gaping. She had expected a bigger reaction. A little anger. All things she had read about or seen on TV. But this was so simple.


“You’re.. ok with it?” she asked carefully.


“Why wouldn’t I be? Chisato is a wonderful girl, and I can tell she has a thing for you too-“
“No she doesn’t.” Mai interrupted “She doesn’t. She made that clear.”


“I don’t understand,” said her mother “I was certai-“


“Please stop, mom.” Mai said she felt a hint of anger and sadness, and suddenly her chest started hurting and she had difficulty breathing.


“Is that what this is about?” it was her mother’s turn to ask carefully. Mai shrugged. Her mother nodded and kissed her daughter on the forehead again “Ok, you don’t have to say anything more.” She whispered “Let’s get you a doctor’s appointment.”


And with that, Mai spent the next couple of days talking to different doctors who referred her to specialists, who referred her so even more specific specialists. Mai had stopped counting how many times she had had to vocalize her symptoms to different people. With every doctor she talked to, she managed to add one or two items to the list, as she slowly managed to sort out the mess that was in her head about what she was experiencing.  Towards the end, her list was: “Tired, chronic exhaustion, stressed, numb, hopeless, worthless, insomnia, body-ache… etc”.  Finally, she and her mother talked to someone who was brave enough to make a conclusion on what was happening to Mai.


“You seem to be experiencing a ‘Burn-out’. She had said “Which I suspect to have caused you to have what we call ‘stress response syndrome’ also sometimes known as ‘Reactive Depression’”


Mai just stared at the doctor with tired eyes while her mother started talking intensely with her about treatments and remedies. Burn-out, huh? She thought. It made sense, she did feel pretty burned out. She had heard about depression before, but it had always sounded much more serious than what she was experiencing. Surely she wasn’t that important? Surely calling her depressed was an insult to people who actually were?


“What would you prefer?” asked the doctor suddenly. She was looking right at Mai, who realised she should probably have been paying attention to what had been said.


“I’m sorry…” she mumbled “I… don’t know what you’re asking me….” The doctor nodded and scribbled something down on her paper. Mai felt anything she had said had been written down in these adventures with the doctors. She was afraid they were all judging her, despite knowing that they had to in order to diagnose her. The doctor looked back up and smiled reassuringly at Mai.


“I suggested a private psychiatrist and a two months break from work to begin with.” She said “The psychiatrist will work with you to figure out how to get rid of this nasty thing, and we’ll meet up after two months to see how you are doing and then take it from there. Does that sound ok with you?” Mai nodded, the doctor scribbled and continued:
“Oh-kay, I also suggested some antidepressant pills, or ‘Happy pills’ if you will, that you can take. But that is your personal choice, so whatever you choose is better. So what would you prefer?”


The thought of taking pills to feel happy scared Mai.


“I don’t… know… if I’m comfortable with that…” she said. The doctor scribbled once again while nodding.


“That is absolutely up to you. They are a good option, but not for everybody. Let’s say you’ll go these two months without them, and if necessary we can talk about it when that time comes, ok?”


Mai nodded again. They got up and shook her hand before leaving to go home. Outside, her mom stopped Mai and pulled her in for a long, tight hug.


“I’m so proud of you” she whispered. Mai could hear on her voice that she was crying. She closed her eyes. Two months off work. Two months without seeing any of them.


Two months.

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#25 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 04:23 PM

Chapter 20


They were sitting in the dressing room when their manager broke the news about Mai. Airi, at a loss for words, starred at her group mates, looking for a trace of a reaction on their faces. Everyone was more or less the same; starring into thin air, trying to gather their thoughts.

“Yeah.. so.. ehm.. she’ll be gone for two months.. at least” said Abe-san, a tone of regret in his voice.

“She’s… depressed?” asked Maimi ponderingly, finally breaking the groups lingering silence “Why is she depressed?”

“We don’t know for sure..” said the manager “the doctors have told us that it might be due to shock, but the rest is confidential between her and her psychiatrist.”

Airi felt a stinging in her chest; She had shocked Mai.. was it her fault? She looked over at Chisato who looked like a million bad things were going through her head- she had obviously had the same thought as Airi.

“Sh-she did seem off lately..” sounded Nakky’s quiet, trembling voice “I just.. I didn’t..” she burst into tears.

“None of us really noticed how bad is was.” said Maimi, a little too carelessly for Airi’s taste.

“That’s because none of us ###### cared to notice!” snapped Chisato.

“Calm down, it’s hardly our fault that she feels this way. She should just have talked to us about it, and not kept it to herself, then she might not be in this situation.” Said Maimi.

The room fell quiet, except for Nakky’s sobbing that she was doing her best to control. Airi was very irritated with Maimi, but she wasn’t sure that it wasn’t her own guilt she was irritated at. Maimi was right to say that it wasn’t her fault – she wasn’t the one who had kissed and confused the hell out of an already troubled Mai. If it was anyone’s fault, it was probably Airi’s – and maybe Chissa’s, but she couldn’t imagine why. The latter got up and left the room suddenly. Airi watched her walk out of the door and considered her next actions for herself. Saki was still crying, Maimi was pondering and Abe-san had left in a hurry with a pained expression. She decided that she needed to talk to Chisato, hoping that… something… might be solved with their conversation.


She found Chissa standing with her forehead against the wall.

“You feel guilty too?” she asked shyly. The two of them hadn’t really spoken privately since the kiss.

“You have no idea” sighed Chissa loudly.

“Do you think it’s our fault?”

“I think I started it and you pushed her over the edge.” Sounded Chissa’s cold response. It wasn’t like her at all to sound this way, it frightened Airi a little.

“So.. you think it’s my fault then?” she almost whispered.

“No. I’m certain it’s mostly me. I laid the base. I freaked her out. I’m the lesbian freak who ruined her life. She wouldn’t have been so shell-shocked by you if I hadn’t already fucked her over.” The younger’s voice was emotionless.

“Lesbian freak?” Airi reacted, surprised “but you made it clear that it was a joke.. surely-“

Airi was interrupted by the look Chissa was giving her.

“It would be.. so simple.. if it had been a joke..” she said. Airi needed a second to realise what had just been said.

“So you meant it?” she asked “That you loved her, I mean.”

“Of course I meant it. Who would make a joke like that? That would just be cruel.”

Airi had to agree, and felt a little stupid that the thought hadn’t occurred to her earlier. To swallow the new information she had gotten, Airi thought back on their present conversation and was reminded of a detail she forgot to comment on.

“You’re not a freak, Chissa.”

The younger’s facial expression softened a little.

“I’m not?” she asked, suddenly looking as if her entire life was in Airi’s hands.

“Of course not, liking girls doesn’t make you a freak. Being in love with Mai is only natural considering how close the two of you have been from a very young age onwards.” Chisato didn’t answer, but Airi could see a slight smile on her friend’s lips. 

“But, Chissa.. if it isn’t a joke, why didn’t you tell her?” the youngers new-found smile faded.

“She knows it’s not a joke. I’m willing to say that’s why she is in shock. I made myself to obvious and forced her to uncomfortably reject me.”

Airi was surprised to hear Chissa’s side about the night her and Mai had had 1 month earlier. The same night Airi had met Rina. The same night Nakky had seen her on TV. What a night that had been. Suddenly the important detail Mai wouldn’t give her last time they had talked seriously made sense. Chissa was in love with Mai, Mai had a tough time dealing with it… or… wasn’t there still something missing? Thinking back on Mai’s side, Airi couldn’t help but feel she was missing an important puzzle piece.

“It all sounds so strange” said Airi after Chissa was done explaining.

“How so?”

“Well, someone telling you they love you is a shock, sure, but it seems a bit too small to push her to the extents of… “ the older stopped her train of thought when she remembered Mai at home. She felt stupid for trying to decide what may or may not have shocked her friend to the point of depression.
“I just feel so terrible about avoiding her like I did..” said Chissa suddenly “It was really selfish of me, and I…” she stopped talking.

“Why did you do it?” asked Airi, realising how condescending and hypocritical she probably sounded “I’m sorry, I mean, I did the same thing because I felt terribly guilty about kissing her when she least needed it, and thus confusing her to all hell, so I told myself I avoided her to give her space, but deep down I knew I was just doing it not to face my guilt- and now I hate myself for it. I was just wondering why you did it..”  she corrected herself.

“I guess..” Chissa started “I guess I avoided her because I knew she thought I was disgusting and it hurt like hell..”

“I’m sure she doesn’t think that about you.” Airi hurried to say.

“She does. I know she does. I could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at me.” The younger sighed loudly “she was looking at me in a way she had never done before. It scared me.”

Airi thought about it. Had Chissa confessed to her, she would have been shocked, sure.. but she wouldn’t be disgusted about it. At the most a little awkward. She knew Hagiwara had always been somewhat fragile, but surely even she wasn’t to that extent.

“Hey Airi?” Chissa interrupted her train of thought.


“Are you in love with her?”


“Mai… are you in love with Mai?” Chissa’s voice sounded fragile. Airi thought about it.

“No. I’m not.” She answered honestly.

“Then why did you kiss her? When you say you’re not in love with her.. I just don’t really understand, are you even into girls?”

Into girls? Airi had never really thought about what she might be into. So far, she hadn’t gotten the impression that she was into anything specific.

“I don’t really know” she answered earnestly, “I just.. when I kissed Mai it was because I wanted to. Actually, in that very second, it was the only thing I wanted to do. It felt right. Even so, I wouldn’t say I’m in love with Mai. She’s beautiful, of course. Sweet, charming, fascinating, funny and adorable..”

“Yes she is..”  the younger interrupted in a way that made it obvious that it wasn’t meant to be said out loud. Airi smiled and continued:
“You’re right, she is. And of course I can see that – everyone can. But I’m not in love. I never have been, as far as I am concerned.”

Chisato nodded silently as if she was taking it all in.

“So you’re not into girls? What about Maimi” the question sounded loaded with something entirely different, that Airi suspected to be about Nakky.

“What about her?” asked Airi, confused.

“Well she’s clearly flirting with you, and you don’t really seem to mind.”

“I don’t mind. But it’s not like I fully appreciate it either. To me it’s just something Maimi does, and as far as I know, she does it to a lot of us.”
“Fair enough..” said Chisato “So.. you could be into girls?”

“For all I know, I could be into anything or anyone as long as they are nice to me.” Airi concluded from her trail of thought “I’ve honestly never really considered it before..”
“So.. bi?” asked Chissa.

“Bi is both men and women, right?”
“As far as I have understood, yes”

“Then.. I guess? I don’t know. I don’t really think it fits me all that much. I’m not really that… organized? … in my categorisation of people..”
“What do you mean?” Chissa looked about as confused as Airi felt.

“I honestly don’t know.” Airi admitted “I’ll think about it and get back to you when I’m more certain, ok?”  Chissa nodded silently.

“I guess I really am the only one who is only into girls..” she whispered to herself.

“How do you figure?” asked the older.

“Well Nakky is bi, you’re you, lord knows what Maimi is and Mai is straight.”
“Nakky is bi?” Airi exclaimed in surprise.

“Oh.. I thought you knew..” Chissa looked guilty “I shouldn’t have told you… that was not my place to tell you.. I’m so stupid…”

Airi hugged her groupmate.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell her you told me.”

Chissa hugged back and whispered:
“Thank you.”

As she held her friend, Airi realised it was the first time in a long time that they had hugged. She held on a little tighter.

She had missed it.



Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#26 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 20 October 2017 - 03:23 PM

Chapter 21 - posted on the blog because it is NSFW. 




Chapter 22: 


Chissa sat on the train home after her talk with Airi. It had been really nice – probably the nicest talk she had had with anyone in the past month. Although it was with the most horrible premise. She felt really guilty about feeling good about herself after a talk that had started because of Mai’s condition.

Mai, sweet Mai. Beautiful, kind Mai who deserved so much better than what they had done to her. She wanted to write her an email, but was afraid that Mai wouldn’t want one from her. What would she even write?


Hey Mai,

I’m sorry I confessed my love to you then ignored you for

A month because I was petty-hurt and I’m now writing you
because it is past the time of me being

Able to help you, and I feel way too guilty about it

Way too late.


She rolled her eyes at herself. She sounded so ###### ridiculous.. which.. in some ways was perfect. Maybe she should write it. Exactly like that. It would make her look so stupid. It would help Mai realise that none of it was her fault, but all Chissa. Stupid ###### Chissa. She pulled out her phone, and wrote down everything that came to her mind, as it showed up:

“Hey Mai,

I was devastated to hear about your condition today. I am

So sorry I didn’t realize and talk to you about it. I feel like the
stupidest idiot in the world. I shouldn’t have avoided you like I did.

Truth is, I can’t find a single good reason as to why I was doing it.

The only reason I have is pettiness.
I was awkward and stupid around you after that night,

Through no Fault of yours.
For some ridiculous reason, it hurt to be near you.

I acted selfishly, I really did.

You deserve to always have someone you can count on, not someone

who runs away just because you rejected her.

You deserve someone who is always honest with you,
not someone who lies, tricks with your mind or makes you uncomfortable.
You deserve someone who is always there for you,

not someone who ignores you when you feel sad to

 dwell In self-pity, and being petty about it.

You deserve you friend Chisato,

Not the hopeless romantic who fucked you over.


I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you.

I’m sorry I was selfish.

I need you to know that I am done with that now.

I miss you too damn much.

So if you ever forgive me, which I can honestly say that

I understand if you couldn’t, I will be here.
And even if you hate me for the rest of days,

I will never ever neglect you again. I will

Always be there for you.
I love you so much, and you will always be my

First priority.


Please get better soon, and please,

Please, please if there’s anything at all that I

Can do for you I need you to tell me.

Big or small, anything, I’m right here

Where I should have been the entire time.


I love you.



She sent it without proofreading. She didn’t want to be careful about it. She didn’t want to sugar-code anything anymore. She wanted to see Mai. She wanted to hold her, comfort her and generally be there for her. She should do it, she should get up and go see her. She stood up from her seat to get off the train when her phone rang. Her heart sank. Was it Mai? Was she calling to yell? She took out her phone and saw “Nakky~” flashing on her screen. She let out a weird sigh that blended relief and disappointment. She picked up.


“Hey, Chissa. Where are you?”

“I’m on the train home. You ok?”

“I’m… fine… I think”

Chissa sensed the tone of indecisiveness in her friend’s voice.

“You think?” she asked. It was quiet on the other end. Chissa started to wonder why she called in the first place.

“Yo, Nakky?”

“Sorry, I’m fine, I’m fine. Listen, can I come to yours?”

“Well, I was kind of..” Chissa stopped herself. She was getting ready to go to Mai’s, sure, but the latter hadn’t answered her text nor shown any sort of interest in contacting Chissa – maybe she wasn’t welcome. And so showing up randomly would be selfish. Nakky needed her right now, and despite the two of them having been more distant lately, she didn’t want to repeat the selfish mistakes she had already made with Mai towards her other best friend too.

“Of course you can come over.” She said “I’m home soon, come whenever.”

“Ehhh, yeah.. uhmm.. I’m kind of there right now. I thought you took off immediately after leaving the room, so I took a cab…”

“Oh.. well.. I’m home in like 15.”

“Ok… thank you.”


Chissa found Nakky sitting at her doorstep. The moment she realised Chissa was there, she jumped up eagerly and hugged her tightly. Chissa held her friend as tightly as she could and rejoiced that the two of them still seemed to be close. Nakky pulled away and they smiled at each other.

“Weird day, huh?” sighed the older.

“Indeed… seems we’ve only had weird days for a while now…” answered Chissa. It was true. It seemed like every single day this past month someone had had a crisis.

“I agree” said Saki “But this one was a little… stranger.”

“What do you mean?” asked Chissa “Because of Mai?”

“Yeah… partially..”

“Oh?” Chissa asked before realising they were still standing outside “Hold that thought, let’s go inside ok?”

The two went inside and Chissa made tea. She noticed Nakky was sitting quietly and staring into thin air and placed herself down in front of her.

“You sure you’re ok?”

“Maimi did… something… today.” Answered the older, with a tone more confused than Chisato was feeling.

“What do you mean? Did she do something bad?” she asked, worriedly.

“No… maybe… I don’t know…” said the older quietly. The worry grew in Chissa’s chest. Nakky continued “We kind of.. I kind of.. ehm” she blushed “She kissed me.”

“Again? After so long?” Nakky nodded carefully “Wow… that’s a slow play.”  Chissa affirmed.

“It is” Nakky mumbled.

“So… how do you feel about it?” Chissa moved closer to Nakky, preparing to comfort her friend in case it was needed.

“The kiss was great. Fantastic. The best.” Saki hurried to say “It’s what happened next that has me in a riddle.”

“Well, what happened?”

Then Nakky told Chissa about the way Maimi had rejected her advances a month earlier, and how she had spent the month trying to get her attention – and then, in much less detail than last time, what had happened at work. She told just enough for Chissa to understand what had happened and feet incredibly uncomfortable about it.

“Then she told me to say her name… and… I just… I did it… it was sexy, I think… but then…” her expression was hard to analyse, but Chissa had a bad taste in her mouth.

“Well… then she told me to stop and meet her next Friday to ‘really pleasure each other’ and … left.”

“Just like that?” Chisato raised her eyebrow. Nakky nodded. “Oh… kay… how do you feel?” she asked, not knowing what else to say. Nakky shrugged and sighed.

“On one hand, I was quite uncomfortable doing it. It was a lot less fun than last time.” she started “On the other hand she really seemed to like it and I have a real date with her next Friday!” she sounded excited, which concerned Chisato who didn’t know how to feel. The whole thing seemed so off. She looked at her beautiful, fragile-looking friend who was smiling somewhat fakely.

“You… sure you’re ok with it?” she asked.

“Of course I am, it’s Maimi!” Nakky exclaimed, looking almost shocked that Chissa didn’t assume this immediately. The younger nodded ponderingly and stated:
“It’s just that… I wouldn’t be. At all.”

“Excuse me?” said the older defensively “Why not?”

“I just wouldn’t do that kind of thing for someone if it made me uncomfortable..”

“Well, if Mai told you to jump off a cliff and die you wouldn’t hesitate to do it, would you?” bickered Saki with an annoyed, condescending tone.

“Mai wouldn’t say that – let alone do this – to me” Chissa stated, and when realising how it sounded quickly added “Or to anyone. Because it’s… wrong.”

“What, you think you are better than me?” Nakky almost shouted.

“No,” Chissa answered calmly “But you’ve acted really weird this past month. You’re ill a lot, you’re always pale and tired… and if it’s all for this… for her… I’m just worried about you.”

“Well don’t be, I am fine.” Saki snapped at her “At least the one I love actually wants me.”

Chissa’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t understand the words leaving her friends mouth.

“That’s…” she started, but she had no way of finishing.

“I’m… gonna go to bed.” She said instead, “You’re welcome to stay on the couch, and you’re welcome to use the TV as long as you want, ok?”

“It’s 20:30…” Nakky murmured.
“I know.. I” just really don’t want to be near you right now was how she wanted to finish that sentence, but she knew her friend was just defensive and confused, and she couldn’t really blame her. Instead she said: “I’m just really tired.” And left. 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#27 arcothewonderdog


    6th gen member

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 12:49 AM

I just read all of the chapters the last couple of hours and I have to say, this is my very first H!P fanfiction I've ever read (usually fanfiction in general isn't something I'm into, but the status updates you posted made me really curious!) and you've done an excellent job at balancing the drama, comedy, and personality of everyone!


I love evil!Maimi, it's such a plot twist from "real life", so it's a great juxtaposition in my head.  :lol:


I think you're doing a wonderful job, and look forward to the next updates.  ^_^

#28 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 01:19 AM

Your comment may or may not just have saved my night to the point of me crying haha

thank you so much <3 I really appreciate you reading and overjoyed that you like it :) 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#29 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 30 October 2017 - 09:55 PM

Chapter 23: 


Mai lay in her bed staring at the roof. She had turned off her phone as per Doctor’s orders, and would be allowed to turn it back on after sundown. Her mom was on a business trip, her sister was at school and going on a trip for the week. She was alone and bored out of her mind.

“Turn off your phone during the day” the doctor had said “It is an unnecessary stress source.” Mai glared at her desk where her phone had been stashed away. She hadn’t checked it since she sent an email to the office about her break. She assumed that by now the office had told the other members, would any of them write her to ask if she was ok? Surely some of them cared, right? And maybe her group mates had written… maybe even Chisato? She felt her throat closing – the latter probably hadn’t written, and even if she had, Mai didn’t care… right? She could spend the next month’s getting over her completely, since she was certain that being in love with someone who was trying to prank her or whatever the ###### her and Airi were doing was out of the question.


She felt a small sting in her heart thinking about the idea that they had pranked her like that. Surely it was planned, with the timing of it, the similarity in what their excuses had been – it had to have been. She sighed, it didn’t matter now, she was away for two months. Maybe her absence could make the two realize how awful – she interrupted her own train of thoughts. It wasn’t fair of her to put everything on them. The doctor had said that it was natural for someone who had worked as much as she had for someone her age was causing extra stress when something out of the ordinary happened. She had been wildly unprepared for anything to happen and it hit her like a train. Thinking was stressing her more than looking at her phone probably would do. It was two hours until sundown, maybe she could cheat just this once? She got out of bed, opened the drawer and grabbed the phone. As soon as it was turned on, it exploded with vibrations. 20 messages from people like: Daisuke-san, Sayumi, Riho, Sakura, Wada Ayaka, Tamura Meimi, all of the members in the newer group Juice=Juice, Masaki, Suzuki Kanon, several KSS, Tsunku, Nakky and Maimi. Nothing from Airi or Chissa. She read Daisuke’s first.


“Dearest Mai.

I’m at a terrible loss for words right now.

I’m sorry you are going through this, and I’m sorry

I couldn’t do more for you. I know I’m not the immediate go-to,

But if you need someone, I am more than

happy to take you out.

No professionalism, just a friend or

Something, if you need it.

-Abe Daisuke”


It was sweet, but Mai couldn’t help feeling that it was a little weird. She had never imagined being on an actual friend base with her manager. She didn’t how to reply to this – was she supposed to be professional or not? She settled on a simple:


“Thank you.

-Hagiwara Mai”

And hoped it was good enough. Next was Tsunku’s: 

“Dear Hagiwara-Chan.

I’ve never been more proud of you.

It takes a certain kind of guts to admit one isn’t

Doing well, and then taking the next step to seek help.

You are very strong, Hagiwara-Chan, despite

What it may feel like right now.

Take your time, Hello! Project and C-ute will

Welcome you with open arms

When you feel ready to come back.

Yours Truly,

-Terada Mitsuo”


What a dad Mai thought with a slight smile. She read through the respective member’s messages. So many heartfelt comments about how awful they thought it was, how much they wished they could have done something and how they were hoping for her to get better soon. She also had countless of offers to talk to if she needed it, which was heart-warming. Ayaka had included a bunch of links to videos, sites and pictures. Some were about art, where Ayaka had described them to represent what Mai was going through and how she felt that if Mai had something to relate too, it might help. The rest were jokes, animals and comics that she hoped would make her laugh. Riho’s was a little strange – it read:


“Hello Hagiwara-san.

I heard about your condition.

I’m sorry

I’m really sorry”


The lack of signature or punctuation was a little alarming. Had she written it in a hurry? Had something been erased? Mai had noticed something strange about Riho as much as anyone, was this related to that? She hurried to write back.


“Dear Riho-chan.

Thank you very much for your message.

I hope you’re ok,

I beg you to call me if not.



She pressed send and hoped she wasn’t intruding anything. She made it to Maimi’s message. It was filled with motivational quotes from famous people and a simple “Be strong, get better, come back.” From Maimi herself. It was a good effort, Mai thought. She had no idea what to answer, so she saved it and decided to do it later. Nakky’s was heartbreaking. It seemed the poor girl was blaming herself way more than necessary, and Mai could almost feel the tears that had hit the screen as it was written. Mai wanted to answer and cheer her up, but she didn’t have any honest feelings to share so she decided against it. Suddenly her doorbell rang. She figured it was her sister who had forgotten something, so she put her phone down on her bed and hurried downstairs to open the door. On any other day she would have been surprised to find Airi standing there, but she felt nothing.

“Hey.” She said blankly. Airi frowned – which Mai assumed was because she had expected a bigger reaction. She couldn’t blame her, Mai had expected a bigger one too.

“H-hi Mai-chan” Airi mumbled almost shyly.

“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.” Said Airi and looked down “I guess I thought writing wasn’t enough…” Mai just looked at her, trying to sort out a thought she could use as an answer. She was unsuccessful.

“You look… tired…” said Airi with worry dripping from the tip of her tongue. The younger shrugged and answered:
“I guess I am pretty tired.” Airi nodded silently.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, obviously trying her best to keep a conversation going.

“I’m not, really.” Mai answered bluntly, which caused Airi’s expression to darken.

“Oh…” she gulped “Eehm…”

“Thank you for coming by, Airi.” Said Mai and started closing the front door on her friend. The last thing she needed right now was more awkwardness from the likes of her.

“I didn’t kiss you as a joke.” Sounded Airi’s imploring voice behind the almost closed door. Mai opened it again, but didn’t say anything – she simply looked at Airi, waiting for the next outburst. The older’s eyes were glued to the floor.

“The timing was horrible, I realise that now…” she started “But I didn’t do it to mess with you.” Mai continued to stay silent when Airi looked up searching for what the former could only assume was a glimmer of feeling in her eyes, only to be disappointed. She then desperately pleaded:
“I swear it’s the trut-“

“Why are you here?” Mai finally said “What is it you want from me? Forgiveness?”

“No.” Was the answer “No I don’t want that. By no means.” She looked Mai right in the eye this time, which made the latter feel like it was finally serious. “I wanted to give you maybe a little bit of clarity on what had happened, as the more I think about it myself, the more I realise how confusing and hurtful it must have been for you…” she took a deep breath and continued “And if I could help you in any way at all by just explaining what I know, I want to do it. It’s the least I can do for you.”

Mai nodded, moved to the side and gestured for Airi to come in. She figured that Airi was trying to make it better, and honestly if she could help Mai understand the past month even a little, it might be helpful.


Airi sat down on the couch, which slightly forced Mai to say something:

“I’d rather we went to my room. I don’t live alone.” She left out the fact that no one was coming home for a week. Airi jumped up and hit her head on the ceiling-lamp forcing her to sit back down again. Mai found it a little worrying that even that classic Airi-dorkiness couldn’t spark an emotion inside of her. She sighed and she followed Airi upstairs and the latter sat down on her desk-chair and Mai on her bed. They sat in silence a little bit, trying to overcome the lingering awkwardness.

“It’s dark up here” said Airi finally.

“Migrenes.” Mai answered.

“Oh… I hear those are bad.” Said Airi.

“They’re not great” Mai answered. 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#30 Lalalaalala


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Posted 04 November 2017 - 08:46 PM

Chapter 24: 




Airi was sitting in front of her pale, exhausted-looking friend. Her eyes were droopy and encircled by black. All she wanted to do was to pull her in, give her a long hug, tuck her in, kiss her on the forehead and tell her everything was going to be ok, but she felt it wasn’t appropriate right now.

“So…” said the younger “Why did you kiss me? I mean, if it wasn’t a joke, what was it?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about it” Airi started “And I think it was a heat-of-the-moment thing…”

“Ok?” Mai asked and yawned.

“Yeah… like… you looked sad, I tried to help you, you smiled at me and I got to happy seeing you smile that I simply had to kiss you. I of course didn’t think about the consequences, nor did I know the extent of what had happened the night before with Chissa…” Airi noticed Mai flinching and fell silent. Had she hurt her friend? Was she doing more damage than good?

“A heat of the moment thing..” Mai repeated back to her.

“Yeah… I’m sorry, I know it’s not a very satisfying answer. I’m sorry it became so big. It was really silly of me, and I wish I hadn’t done it.” Mai nodded again.

“Thank you for explaining why you kissed me.” She said nonchalantly “Now… would you care to explain to me why you completely ignored me for a whole month after?” her voice was getting louder, and Airi couldn’t help feeling a little relieved to hear some emotion in her tone, even if they sounded angry.

“I-I” she tried to answer, but she had nothing.

“ ‘Y-you’ what?” Mai almost mocked “If it was so ###### small, if it meant so little to you, why did you throw me away like that? WHAT THE ###### HAD I DONE TO DESERVE THAT?” it was full of emotion now, Airi had to admit. But she didn’t have a response. Mai had all the reason to be so mad at her, as she had no reason to have done what she did. She was completely lost in thought, listening to Mai’s loud, desperate breathing trying with all her might to form an answ- wait Mai’s breathing was really irregular. Her head focused and she found Mai sitting on the floor with her back to Airi, leaning against the bed. Her breathing was loud, harsh and way too fast.

“Mai, what’s happening?” There was no answer, only more hyperventilating. Airi threw herself down next to her group-mate and looked at her in panic.

“I don’t know what to do, Mai, tell me what to do!” She tried aimlessly to pat Mai’s back, knowing full well that it would do nothing. “MAI PLEASE!” The panic started bringing tears to Airi’s eyes. Mai’s eyes were open and she had a distant, frightened look. Her little hand reached out and grabbed onto Airi’s shirt and started clutching on to it. Airi knew she needed to do something, and in a haze she desperately grabbed the phone on the bed and without thinking called the last contacted number. The call was picked up surprisingly quickly.


-          “Hagiwara-san?”

Airi realised the phone she had grabbed was Mai’s instead of her own.

“Hi, no this is Airi, who is this?”

-          “Hello Suzuki-san, it’s Sayashi Riho. Are you ok? You sound panicked”

Airi hesitated, Riho was a junior, she didn’t want to put this on her, but she needed help immediately, Mai’s head had fallen to Airi’s thighs.

“It’s Mai” she cried “She’s breathing so fast and isn’t responding… and I don’t know what to do... and I just called the last number she had contacted on her phone because I need help.”

-          “Ok, ehm… it sounds like she is having a panic attack.”

Riho answered in a serious tone “Lie her down and try to get her to respond. Tell her that is what is happening to her, she might not know.”

Airi grabbed Mai’s hand and tried to get it loose.

“Mai-chan? Mai-chan… Riho says you’re having a panic attack. That is what is happening to you… Mai-chan?”

-          “Tell her that she is not in danger, that it won’t kill her.”

“Riho says you’re going to be ok, this isn’t dangerous and isn’t going to kill you.” Mai’s hand loosened a little, but she was still unresponsive.

-          “Have you gotten her to lie down?”

“No wait, I’m trying, hold on… Mai, honey, you need to lie down..”

-          “Tell her she’ll feel better if she lies down.”


“Riho says you’ll feel better if you lie down” she said as calmly as she could manage. She put a supporting hand on Mai’s back and pulled her backwards. When Mai resisted she said:

“It’s ok, you’ll feel better. You’re ok, come on” and Mai slowly gave in. Holding Airi’s hand tightly and staring up at the roof without blinking, Mai was now lying down.

“Ok she’s down,” Airi told Riho “She seems a little better, but there still seems to be little to no control over her breathing.”

-          “Ok good, now breathe like me and tell her to follow you.”

And then she breathed in deeply and loudly and Airi tried to follow.

-          “Good, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Now tell Mai to follow.”

“Mai, sweet Mai, follow my breathing, ok? Do your best to breathe like me.”

-          “Eye-contact helps.”

“Mai look at me, I’m here, right here, please look at me and we’ll work together, ok?” the younger turned her head slowly and Airi locked with her in a weak, distant eye-contact.

“Good, you’re doing so good. Ok, Riho said in through the nose, out through the mouth, ok?” Airi said to her desperate friend “Ok Riho, we’re ready.” And then Riho breathed in slowly through the nose and out slowly through the mouth. Airi followed suit and held on tightly to Mai’s hand. She could feel the effort the latter was putting into trying to mimic her, and she felt so proud that she could cry.

-          “When it gets a little better, tell her to hold her breath for about three seconds like this”

Riho breathed in slowly and deeply, held it for a few seconds and breathed out just slowly as before. Airi picked up on it quickly.

“Ok Mai, you’re doing so good dear. We are going to change it a little, ok? When you breathe in, keep it, keep the air in your lungs a little, like this, ok? Follow me.” Airi mimicked Riho, who was coaching over the phone. Mai’s eyes were glistening, and slowly but surely seemed to regain focus. Mai’s breathing became less heavy, her grip less tight and her eyes less distant.

-          “Ok, I can’t hear her anymore, that’s a good sign.”

Sounded Riho’s voice. Airi continued to breathe like her junior had demonstrated, not breaking eye-contact with Mai who was now almost back to normal. It was quiet for a while. Mai closed her eyes to regain her strength. Airi had the phone to her ear but breathed heavily and stayed quiet. Riho was silent too. They stayed like this in what seemed like forever, until Airi suddenly realised that Mai had fallen asleep.

“Ehh, Mai is asleep, is that ok?” she asked Riho. The latter pondered for a bit.

-          “Don’t know, I’ve never tried it. I assume so? My guess is that it means she exhausted herself to the point of passing out… I don’t think it’s dangerous, especially since we got her to breathe normally for a little while before..”

Airi nodded understandingly in silence.

-          “… Hello? Airi?”

“Oh wait no, yes, we’re speaking on the phone and you can’t see me, ok, right, I just nodded, I’m sorry..” Riho giggled.

-          “It’s ok, I was just afraid something had happened.”

Airi hit herself on the forehead, feeling like a doofus. Then she realised how calm her junior had been throughout the entire thing.
“Hey, Riho. Have you… tried this before?” she asked, hoping it wasn’t too forward.

-          “I have, yes.”

She hated that she couldn’t hug someone over the phone. The thought of young Riho panicking like this was too hard to think about.

“Howcome?” was the only thing she could think of saying.



-          “It’s hard to talk abo-“

Riho interrupted herself and Airi could hear a faint rumbling on the other side.

-          “I gotta go, bye.”

“Ok b-“ Riho had already hung up. “Bye…” Airi stared at the beeping phone for a while. Had she even thanked her junior for her help? She didn’t think so, which was incredibly embarrassing. She would have to do it properly at work on Monday. She looked at the sleeping Mai on the floor. Despite the pale skin and panda-dark eyes, she actually looked quite peaceful. Airi decided to stay with her at least until she woke up. She had abandoned her friend once, and was not about to do it again. Especially not after this. She conveniently forgot about her late-night show that was supposed to start in two hours, and tucked her friend in with her blanket and put a pillow under her head. I’m here for you now, Mai, She thought, and I’m not planning on going anywhere.

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#31 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

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Posted 20 November 2017 - 01:50 AM

Chapter 25




Nakky was alone in Chissa’s living room. She had sat there quietly, hardly moving for about an hour just staring into nothing. You really fucked up with your friend she thought Soon enough Chissa is going to leave you and you’ll have no one to talk too. She realised how mean she had been to her younger friend who had just tried to emphatize and put herself in Nakky’s shoes. But there had been no need for Chissa’s degrading tone either, because her time with Maimi had been amazing and incredibly sexy. She didn’t regret it at all. She didn’t. She really didn’t.

You’re disgusting, she thought again, it was disgusting.

“Wonder if Chissa has some wine..” she mumbled, ignoring her own head. She then felt very guilty for even thinking about drinking her friend’s parent’s alcohol. Especially on her own. She took a deep breath. No one likes you, you should run away and disappear. Just one drink wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?


Before she could let herself think further about it, she pushed herself off the couch and started looking through the apartments many cabinets.

“AHA” she exclaimed to herself when she finally stumbled upon the one containing liquor. There was a bottle of something with a beautiful blue liquid.

“My colour!” She exclaimed happily “It’s meant to be!” she didn’t bother to read what the label said, but opened it eagerly and took a huge sip – immediately regretting it as her entire mouth burned. No, her entire face was burning. As she swallowed she could feel the liquid burning all the way down her throat and into her stomach.

“Ok,” she gasped “Small sips. Small sips is good.” Her phone made a small bling sound and she saw ‘Maimi-san” written on the up lit screen. Nakky got excited – Maimi was writing her at this time of night– that must have meant she was thinking about her! She excitedly opened it:


“I was looking through these and thinking of you”


Saki blushed. She was right, Maimi was thinking about her. Take that, voice! She thought happily and took another little sip of celebration. She eagerly opened the attached file. Her heart sank. It was herself. Naked. Touching herself. She wanted to throw up suddenly. The pictures were horrible – she hated them, but she couldn’t stop herself from looking at them. Looking at herself in the eyes…. Why was Maimi sending her these? What was the endgame? She hated them! She hated herself! You look awful, the voice said you look ugly. They’re not cute at all. She took a huge sip and got tears in her eyes from how strong it was. The next bling from her phone frightened her. It was another mail from Maimi. She held her breath. She could do this. She could do this, right?

No you can’t. It’s more ugly pictures. She’s sending them to you because she wants you to see how bad you look. She took another sip and couldn’t tell the difference between her eyes watering from the alcohol or from tears. She opened the email.


“This is the best one.”


Nakky stared at the attachment. Parts of her hated thinking about what it was hiding - the other part hated it too, but needed to know. She took another sip and clicked on it.




She threw her phone on the on the floor and screamed in horror. She starred at it lying there as if it was a dead body. To Saki’s despair, the video video kept replaying itself. Every time it did, she felt a bullet to her heart and took a sip.



She took a sip


She took another


And another…. She didn’t want to go near it. It was as if touching it would burn her fingers off. She took a sip.


She covered her ears with her hands to block out the sound, but it was as if branded in her mind playing almost louder than the phone could. She took a sip.


She hated her own voice so much. She was so small, so fragile, so useless. So… scared. She took a larger sip – the burning wasn’t effecting her as much anymore. Tears were strolling down her face. She was awful. She was worthless. Why did Maimi want to see her again? Why would anyone want to be around her ever?


She tried to block the picture out of her mind – her hopeless, painful expression. But it was impossible.


It fell silent. Her phone screen had finally turned off, turning off the video and its sound with it. Saki felt dizzy. She kept her distance from the phone as if it was a cockroach she had thrown a book after and now wasn’t sure if it was dead. What had just happened? Why was she so afraid of her own face? Of her own expression? Of her own voice? The video played in her mind again and she downed the rest of the bottle, feeling the burn as if it was cleansing her mind and body, erasing the memory. She took a deep breath and tried to make it to the couch but failed.


As she lay on the floor, the world around her was moving in a rapid pace. Her entire body felt as if it was falling with no sign of landing anywhere. Her eyes were dry and her face was warm and swollen. She had no idea where she was, what position she was lying in, how she had gotten there and why she wasn’t able to move. She hardly knew who she was at this point. But there was one thing that she knew, clearer than anything else. One thing that was branded in her like a burning light in her heart.

“I love you, Maimi” She said into nothing.




“I want to make you happy, Maimi” her words were sloppy and opening and closing her mouth felt like chewing on 50 pieces of gum at once. Her eyes couldn’t focus on anything anymore. She was almost outside her body, looking down at her pathetic self on the floor, but only for a brief second. Everything was blurry, and it was slowly turning black. She knew what was coming, and calmed down a little. It would be over soon.

“I hope you’re happy, Maimi”

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#32 Refrigita


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Posted 24 November 2017 - 01:16 PM

Now Im reading chapter 11 and I have to say that this fanfic is very interesting, unusual and funny. Great job and please don't stop!


p.s. Sorry me for the humble expression of my thoughts.

#33 ulises


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Posted 24 November 2017 - 02:19 PM

^ Yep, i love this fanfic too.  <3 

#34 Lalalaalala


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Posted 25 November 2017 - 02:30 AM

^ + ^^ 

You guyyyyyyss <3 I have no words to express how happy that makes me! (which... is not great for a writer... or just shows how happy i am? .. It's... a lot a lot a lot)


Chapter 26: 


Chissa was listening to very loud music with headphones on in her room. She had been doing so since she had left the living room. She felt a little bad about leaving now that she had calmed down, feeling that it was slightly petty and unnecessary. She looked at her phone, partially to see if Mai had replied yet, but to no one’s surprise, she hadn’t. And partially to check the time. It was 21:55 and she had sulked by herself for over an hour. Feeling ridiculous and selfish, she decided to go apologize to Nakky if she was still there. She got out of bed and walked into the living room. There was a weird, strong smell, but it was empty. Disappointed about her own behaviour and how the two had left it, she went to the kitchen and put on a kettle for some tea. She decided to write Nakky immediately to apologize. As she wrote, she realised she had to apologize for a lot of things lately.  She thought about the text she had sent to Mai and how she still hadn’t gotten a reply yet. She wasn’t surprised, she didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But it still hurt. It was Mai’s choice, though, and she knew to respect it no matter what – after all she was the one in the wrong, not Mai. She reread what she had written to Nakky only to feel even more like a ridiculous coward. Why was she writing her, when it was obviously better to call her? The latter would obviously be the better way to apologize if she wasn’t going to show up at her apartment and apologize in person. She dialled the number and waited.


“Ooki na ai de motenashite, ooki na ai de motenashite…~"


The ringing sounded right behind Chissa who froze in shock. She turned around slowly to face the sound and screamed. Saki was lying face down on the floor with one hand on the couch. In the other hand she had a bottle. And empty bottle. Chissa lost her phone on the floor and ran to her friend.

“Saki? SAKI?” She cried, desperately shaking her unconscious friend’s body. She checked her pulse and gave a little sigh of relief to find that it was still there. Then she took the bottle and read the lable: ‘Bombay Sapphire Dry Gin’, a gift to her mom from a friend. It had been almost full the day before.

“For crying out loud, Nakky, why did you do this?” she yelled desperately. ‘Ooki na Ai de Motenashite’ was still playing in the background, so Chisato took Saki’s phone to turn it off and accidentally whipped it open in the process.



She was shocked. She was looking at her friend lying naked on the eating table at work.


Poor Saki, she thought and turned it off. She couldn’t get the picture of her friend out of her head. Nakky had looked so uncomfortable and scared, her voice exhausted and forced. It was so clear that she had hated what she was doing, even if it was Maimi watching. Chissa put the phone down, looked to Nakky and got a small shock seeing her big eyes open and looking at her. At least, she thought she was looking at her, it was hard to tell.

“THuRn iTCh oFfs” her friend tried in her best effort.

“It is off.” Chissa said and crouched down next to her, placed a hand on her back. Nakky shook her head clumsily and violently.

“TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF” Chisato forced her friend into a hug.

“It is off, dear. It is off” she uttered as calmly as she could. She put her hand in her friend’s hair and gently brushed it. “It is off, ok? It’s off and not coming back on.” Saki started sobbing violently into Chissa’s chest.

“I – I LOhkhED shOUGhLY” she cried.


“HI LoOKeDed sO UhglY”

Chissa frowned. Nakky was by no means ugly, and never would be. But she had to agree the video wasn’t what she would call pretty.

“You looked scared, Nakky, it is ok to be scared” she said reassuringly.

“NO!” Nakky ripped herself loose and struggled to find balance sitting on her own “NO HI nEeD tO BE pReTtY OR MAiMI wON’t LIke mE”

“Saki, do you really wand Maimi to like you after this?” Chissa wanted to punch their leader in the face. Nakky’s face looked drunkenly surprised at Chissa’s question.

“OF COURSE!” she screamed.

“Please consider what she is doing to you,” Chissa tried desperately “Look at yourself, for crying out loud.” Nakky shook her head again.

“HI lOOOvE hER!”


“GgOOdNigHt CHiHiSa” was the last thing Nakky managed to mumble before falling forward once again and started snoring loudly. Chissa assumed that she had been too drunk to understand what had been said, but her resounding “OF COURSE!” was hurting Chissa’s brain. She didn’t like leaving her friend on the floor like that, so she gathered all her strength and managed to get the drunken mess up on the couch. She covered her with a blanket, found a pillow to put behind her head, and kissed her on the forehead – thanking god that it was Friday and they didn’t have work in the morning. She found a bucket, put a little water in it and placed it next to the couch.

“In case you hurl.” She mentioned to an unresponsive mass. Then she picked up Nakky’s phone and deleted the video, only to find that the pictures. She felt guilty as she looked through them, deleting them one by one. There were 15 of them, all as scary as the other. She suddenly realised the pictures weren’t in her own camera folder and got a bad taste in her mouth… surely… surely Maimi hadn’t… She went into Nakky’s mailbox and felt rage rise uncontrollably in her.

“THAT ###### BITCH!” She screamed at the screen. Maimi had sent Nakky the pictures. Maimi had, deliberately, sat down and decided that that was a good idea. What was her plan? What game was she playing? WHY WAS SHE DOING THIS TO NAKKY?


Chisato didn’t know what to do with herself. Every fibre of her being wanted to go to Maimi’s and beat the living shit out of her – except for her conscience that annoyingly reminded her, that doing so would probably only hurt Nakky even further. She looked over at her snoring friend on the couch.

“How am I going to help you?” she asked the sleeping body hopelessly “What can I possibly do for you?” She felt her rage turning into sadness as tears streamed down her face. Why was everything so fucked up? Where had it gone wrong? Before her confession to Mai, it had all been so smooth, the only problems being Nakky’s innocent crush and her own hopeless feelings for Mai.

Was it all her fault? Had her confession to Mai started this spiral of misfortune and horridness? Was she behind all this? And if so, when was it going to stop? Was it ever going to? Was it going to be this way until they disbanded? What if it was going to continue and continue and never stop until they were all dead?

Mai’s burn-out.

Airi’s guilt, overwork and sleep depravedness.

Maimi’s manipulativeness.

Nakky’s… this…

All of it. All of it had started with Chisato stupidly half-assing her confession to Mai. All of it was on her shoulders, and all of it had spiralled out of control, so far out of Chisato’s reach that she was sitting there, hopelessly looking at her crushed friend on the couch. Completely and utterly unable to do anything about it. She was useless. Useless, and to blame for the entire situation. There was no doubt about it. 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#35 Lalalaalala


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Posted 04 December 2017 - 07:16 PM

Hey guys... Chapter 27 is actually technically written already, I just need to rewrite it on my computer... But I am so busy atm and finding time to write is just.. hard. 

The fact that chapter 27 is pretty horrifying to write doesn't help either... So it may be a while until i upload again. I can't thank the people who are reading this enough, and an extra thank you to the super nice comments! I hope to get chapter 27 done this weekend, but I really can't promise anything, since I'm not even sure I want to publish that part of the story. 

Really sorry for the delay, please don't lose interest, there is still a looooot to come haha 

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#36 Lalalaalala


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Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:55 PM

WELP after a lot of consideration and attempts to think of other storylines, I have decided that this is the one I like the best, despite how horrifying it may be. I sincerely apologize. If it does become too much, please to tell me and I will rewrite, but for now this is what I am sticking with. 

Again, I cannot stress enough how much I want you guys to distance the characters from the idols they are inspired from. And then, without further ado, here's chapter 27.


Chapter 27 (in spoiler because I'm not sure whether this should be posted here or on my blog): 







Chapter 28:




Link in spoiler. Definitely not H!O friendly.

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#37 Lalalaalala


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Posted 08 January 2018 - 06:27 PM

Chapter 29




Chisato was wide awake, still in her kitchen and staring into nothing. She hadn’t moved in what felt like forever, and now the sun was rising outside. Nakky was still snoring loudly, but Chissa wasn’t paying attention. Instead, she was deep in thought. She didn’t deserve to be there – she was only a nuisance to everyone around her. A bad omen; anyone near her were suffering. And yet here she was – the only one without any struggles. Nakky was drunk, Airi overworked, Mai was burned out and Maimi had to be seriously messed up to do whatever she was doing. Chissa had nothing, except guilt. She should be the one who was hurting – it seemed only fair. Why wasn’t she being punished for being this useless? It just didn’t seem right. And if the universe wasn’t going to punish her, when she so clearly deserved it, who would? She got a bad taste in her mouth. She would have to do it herself. It just wasn’t fair that everyone was hurting and she was fine. She needed pain. Any kind of pain…


The knife fell to the floor when her phone suddenly shocked her. Who in the world was calling now? At 5 am? She pulled down her sleeve and hoped it wouldn’t stick to the open wound. The call was from an unknown number. Taken aback, Chisato accepted the call.

“Ehh… Hello, this is Okai Chisato?”

“Hi… ehm.. hello… hi… sorry to ring this late.”

Said a female voice she didn’t recognize.

“Ok… who is this?” She asked

“Oh yeah, sorry, it’s Kawaei Rina… from AKB48.”

“Oh you’re Airi’s roommate, hello. Is everything ok?” Rina’s voice sounded panicked.

“Yeah… ehm… No – not really… is, err… is Airi  with you?”

“No she’s not. Is she not at home?” Chissa’s arm was burning but she chose to ignore it.

“No… no she hasn’t come home at all tonight.. I’m really worried something

might have happened to her. I’ve tried calling her, but her phone is off”

“Alright” Chissa answered ponderingly “Calm down, I’m sure she’s ok. Did you call her work phone or her personal phone?”

“Ehm, I… I don’t know… I called ehm… I called this number.”

The poor girl started naming numbers, and Chissa checked her phonebook.

“Ok, that’s her personal phone, let me try her work phone and then I’ll call you back, ok?”

“Ok.. Ok.. ehm… thank you… thank you so much. Thank you.”

The desperation in her voice was evident, and Chissa was reminded of what Airi had told her about Kawaei’s situation, and suddenly felt very bad about her being all alone.

“Would you like to come to mines while we figure something out?” she asked the fellow idol.

“Oh my god, really?”

Her voice was filled with surprise.

“Oh my, Airi was right, you are too kind. Thank you so much. Oh my god.”

Chissa smiled to herself. Airi hadn’t lied when she mentioned how sweet Rina was, it seemed. She told Rina her address and waited for her to calm down with relieved excitement before she hung up. Then she took a deep breath.

Ok Chissa,’ she thought ‘Everything is ok. Just call Airi, and you’ll see for yourself. Everything is ok.’ She dialled Airi’s work number and got no response. She tried again, only to be met with the same thing. She tried her personal number. Nothing. She panicked a little.


In desperation, she called Maimi.

“Chissa. Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?”

Sounded Maimi’s drowsy voice. Chisato held everything back in order to stop herself from screaming at her leader. ‘Deep breaths, Chissa’ she thought ‘Deep breaths’.

“Is Airi with you?” She asked coldly.

“At this time? Why would she be?”

Maimi sounded angry.

“No reason, just wondering.” Chissa lied to cut the conversation short.

“Alright, whatever.”

Said Maimi

“Chissa, you know I adore you, but you can’t just call in the middle

of the night like this, ok? It’s not ok.”

Chissa could feel her blood boiling. Who was she to have the audacity to pretend to know what was ok and what wasn’t? Who the hell did she think she was?

“Chissa? Hello?”

Maimi tried

“Look, I hope you’re ok, and I hope Airi is ok too. But I really need to sleep, ok?”

“What about Nakky?” Chisato couldn’t stop herself. There was a slight pause.

“What do you mean?”

Maimi asked, her voice obviously more weary now.

“Do you care if she is ok?” Chissa snared through her teeth.

Ehm, of course I do? She just wasn’t mentioned. I hope Mai is ok too..”

“Stay away from her” Chissa interrupted.


“Stay away from Nakky. Leave her alone, ok?”


Chissa hung up. She blamed herself for getting involved, but couldn’t help feeling relieved that she had said something. Maimi tried calling her, but she blocked her. Her main priority right now was Airi. There was one more person she could call, but she didn’t dare to. How stupid would she look, calling Mai at 5:30am when the latter hadn’t answered her texts? But she had to try, right? Surely this was important enough that Mai would understand? She gathered all her strength and pressed call.

“You cannot reach this number at this time.”

The answer was instantaneous. It knocked the air out of Chisato. Had she been blocked? She stared hopelessly at her phone before trying again.

“You cannot reach this number at this time.”

She put her phone down and stared down at her arm. The blood had gone through her pyjamas sleeve. She could tell because the black silk was rough around the wound. She looked to the knife on the floor and ideas started flying through her head again. ‘No. No this is not the time.’ she thought ‘Focus on finding Airi’. She tried both of her groupmate’s numbers again with no response. The doorbell rang and Chissa hurried to buzz Kawaei Rina in, and waited by the door to welcome her. She was a little shorter than Chissa, with long dyed brown hair and a face like a kitten. She was a lot more beautiful than Chissa had anticipated.

“Welcome,” she said, letting her in “And nice to finally meet you.”

“You too” the idol answered with a slight polite smile “Any news?” her smile was replaced with worry. This girl was see-through and Chisato found it refreshing.

“No, sorry. I’ve tried both her phones and Maimi. And as you can see, and hear, Saki is over there on the couch.” She gestured to the snoring mass “So…I’ve got nothing.” She purposely left out the Mai part. Kawaei looked down, deep in thought Chissa could tell.

“What about the last girl in your group?” she asked finally “There’s five of you, right?” Chissa swallowed uncomfortably.

“Yeah… ehh… my phone died before I could call her…” she lied. Kawaei’s eyes widened.

“Well let’s call her right now!” she exclaimed excitedly. Nakky groaned from the couch, and Rina immediately lowered her head as she realised her voice might have been too loud “Sorry…” she whispered “You can use my phone…” she handed her phone to a shell-shocked Chisato.

“Don’t…. you… want… to call her?” Chissa tried helplessly.

“Well no… that doesn’t really make much sense, she doesn’t really know me..” the logic was there, but Chisato tried to refuse to see it. “Please…” the AKB idol pleaded “I’m really worried.” Chissa sighed, she couldn’t be selfish at this time. She took the phone and told her guest to make herself at home, then she dialled Mai’s number. She hesitated before pressing call. Maybe she was wrong? Maybe Mai hadn’t blocked her, and the message she heard was just the standard message if her phone was off? She pressed the green button and felt her heart crush as the call went through. Desperately holding her tears back, she listened to the endless beeps. It would go to voicemail, she was certain of it… there was no way she wo-


Chissa froze. Just the sweet sound of Mai’s voice was enough to leave her star-struck. She really was a hopeless cause.


Mai’s voice sounded again

“Is this a prank call in the middle of the night? Really?”

There was something different in her voice – something Chissa didn’t like. Something way too… empty.

“Mai….chan?” she managed to mumble.


Her voice sounded slightly surprised, which was a relief.

“Why are you calling at this hour?”

Chissa ignored the hard emphasis on ‘you’ in that sentence to her best efforts.

“I just called to say… ehm… I…”

“Are you ok?”

She blushed unexplainably. Here was this girl, who had gotten off work for two months because of a stress burn-out, asking Chisato if she was ok. She really was a wonder.

“I’m fine” Chissa hurried to say “All good… aall neato burrito.” What had she just said? Embarrassment filled her body as she listened to the dead silence on the other end.

“Is… is Airi with you?” She broke the silence

Airi? Yeah she’s here. She’s fine. Why?”

Chisato let out a huge, slightly exaggerated to underline her point, sigh of relief and looked to Kawaei who she found sitting very close with a cup of tea, looking up at her with shining eyes.

“She’s fine, she’s with Mai.” Chissa retold to her. Kawaei’s face lit up and she got up to start dancing around in circles. Chissa smiled and turned her attention back to her phonecall.

“Her flatmate was worried about her. She’s been trying to get a hold of her all night. She’s here right now.”

Oh… oh that makes sense. Well she’s sleeping right now.

She’s fine though, I’ll tell her to call when she wakes up.”

“Thank you so much Mai!” Chissa couldn’t hide her excitement.

Glad I could be of help. Alright, goodni-“

“Mai, wait!” Chissa exclaimed. She wasn’t ready to hang up yet.


“…How are you?” she tried. Mai was silent for a long time before saying:

“I’m… Tired…”

The tone of her voice made Chissa want to tuck her in tightly and cuddle her.

“You’re tired… I’m sorry…” it was quiet again.

“Neato Burrito … Really?”

Mai’s voice broke the silence. If she wasn’t being watched, Chissa would have sprung into song and dance.

“Yeah I… I don’t know what happened there.” she tried with careful banter.

“It was weird, yeah.”

It was quiet again.

“I’m… I’m really sorry.” Chissa said. She wanted to underline how sorry she was… for everything.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t that weird.”

Mai answered with what Chissa hoped was a hint of her playful banter being reciprocated. She smiled.

“I’m glad.” She said “I’ll just own it from now on.”

“Good for you!”



“I really hope you are ok, Mai”

“I really hope so too.”

“And I’m so sorry if my message hurt you.” Chissa said carefully “I know it was stu-“

“What message?”

Mai interrupted. Chissa was confused.

“The message I wrote you… earlier today?” she mumbled.

“I didn’t receive any message…”

Sounded Mai’s voice.

“Ehm… that’s…” Chissa said thoughtfully. If she hadn’t received the message, when and why had Mai blocked her? Had she been blocked since that night? Did she dare ask?

“I think I’ll go back to sleep, Chisato.”

Said Mai with an exhausted sigh.

“Oh right, of course.” Chissa hurried to say “Goodnight Mai… And thank you so much for your help… you’re amazing.” The last words left Chissa’s mouth without hesitation. Mai was absolutely incredible, and Chissa was tired of not being able to tell her properly. Mai was quiet for a second before carefully whispering:

“Thank you for talking to me.”

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#38 Lalalaalala


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Posted 29 January 2018 - 10:37 AM

Chapter 30 actually doesn't need a disclaimer wooooooohooo


Nakky woke up with the worst headache she had ever experienced. She found herself lying awkwardly on a couch that wasn’t her own. What the hell had happened the former night? She reeked, she could tell. She tried to look around but had to give up due to sheer body ache. Where was she? She was trying to think back to the last thing she remembered.

“Good morning… Nakajima-san is it?” the sudden sound frightened Saki to no end. She looked around bewildered, trying to find the source.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Saki couldn’t figure it out… was it an angel? Was she dead?

“I’m in front of you.” Said the voice with a slight angelic chuckle. Nakky moved her body upwards as much as she could manage and finally located the source - a young, beautiful girl with moon eyes and an endearing smile. She was sure that she was dead now, what else could explain the wonder before her?

“You ok there? You look a little pale…” Of course she was pale… she was dead!

Nakky opened her mouth only to be painfully reminded that she was, in fact, alive. The angel’s face frowned and pointed to the side of the couch. Nakky followed her finger and threw up into a bucket that was neatly placed on the floor. But wait… if she was alive… how could she see angels? Was she in purgatory somehow?

“Am.. I .. dead?” she gulped awkwardly.

“I should hope not,” said the angel, “But you do make a pretty convincing zombie, so it’s hard to tell for sure.” She giggled again and for a second Nakky felt all of her pain go away.

“Then.. who are you?” she asked, looking up from painfully hanging over the side of the couch.

“Oh, sorry. My name is Kawaei Rina – I’m Airi’s new roommate!” So… this beautiful creature… was real? And had Nakky just embarrassed herself to no end in front of someone new? She wasn’t dead, but now she really wanted to die.

“I’m… at Airi’s?” she managed to push herself to ask.

“No,” Rina answered “We’re at Okai-san’s.” Suddenly the night before hit Nakky like a tonne of bricks, and just the thought made her throw up again. She stared shamefully down into the disgusting bucket, not daring to look up and face Kawaei’s burning look of worry.

“What happened to you?” Kawaei asked. Nakky remembered the video and faught every urge she had to cry. “Did you drink?” ‘What a fantastic first impression you’re making, you piece of shit’ 

“She didn’t.” sounded Chissa’s voice in the living room doorway. “We ordered food together yesterday, and I guess it was bad because my stomach’s been awful all night as well.” Had she just bailed Nakky out of a tough explanation?

“Good morning Okai-san!” Kawaei almost sang “Thank you for your help last night!” the tone in her voice when she happily greeted Chissa got to Nakky somehow.

“Good morning Kawaei-san. I hope you managed to sleep a little with snorey-snorerson over there.” she gestured to Nakky who felt her body glowing red in embarrassment. Kawaei just playfully giggled and uttered:
“It’s ok, with our night-show I’ve gotten used to functioning with very little sleep.”

“Oh yes, how is that going by the way?”

Nakky drowsed off again and didn’t hear the rest of the conversation.


When she woke up again, she felt a little better. Chissa was watching TV next to her.

“Hey…Chissa…” Nakky mumbled. The younger looked to her friend.

“Oh, you’re awake.” She said nonchalantly.

“Yeah…” she looked around curiously “Ehh… where’s that girl… who was here earlier?”

“Kawaei Rina? She went home like three hours ago. Told me to tell you to get better.” Chissa answered. Nakky nodded and felt somewhat disappointed.

“Hey… Ehm… thank you for bailing me out earlier.” She whispered. Chissa turned off the TV and turned to her.

“Yeah, I wish I didn’t have to do that, Nakky.” She said “What the hell were you thinking stealing my mom’s alcohol?” Nakky was beyond embarrassed. She knew everything about what she had done was utterly wrong.

“I’m sorry…” she mumbled “I wasn’t thinking.”

“No you weren’t thinking.” Chisato confirmed “You drank an entire bottle. AN ENTIRE BOTTLE, NAKKY. That shouldn’t even be possible for you, how are you not dead? Are you trying to kill yourself?” Nakky shook her head as aggressively as she could without throwing up again.

“NO! No… No…” she tried.

“Then how could this possibly have happened?” Nakky looked away and didn’t want to answer. She hoped her silence would speak for her. “Nakky. How. Are. You. Not. Dead?” it wasn’t working.

“I guess… I guess I’m used to it…” she braced herself for a storm, but was met with silence.


“I’m… it’s… ehh… It’s not the… first time that… that I’ve…” the look in Chisato’s eye made her stop.

“Is… is this the reason you’ve been so sick lately?” the younger sounded like a bomb trigger waiting to explode. Nakky stared at the bucket which had been emptied and washed for her to throw up in again. She nodded.

“How… long?” Nakky shrugged.

“…Why?” Chissa tried “Is it because of Maimi?”

“NOnonoNOno!” Nakky hurried to say. It was definitely not fair of her to put this on Maimi.

“Then…. Why?” Chissa’s voice was breaking “Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you… how could you… why…” she looked about as lost as Nakky felt. She deserved an explanation. The problem was that Nakky didn’t have one.

“I… I am lonely.” Was the only answer she could think of. Chisato looked at her, waiting for more. It was quiet for a while.

“You’re lonely.” Chisato finally retold “What do you mean?” Nakky desperately thought about it. She looked around helplessly trying to connect any sort of sentence that made sense. In the end she gave up.

“I don’t know how to explain it without sounding insane.” She whispered.

“Alright” sounded Chissa’s voice. It seemed she was trying to find a balance between furious and devastated “Alright, well don’t avoid it then.”


“Don’t worry about sounding insane, we’re past that already. Tell me exactly what is going on in your head, I beg you..” Nakky felt stupid for feeling a little hurt by that. She knew Chissa was right, nothing about what had happened was ‘sane’. It still hurt to be confronted like that. ‘You’re a weak little brat who can’t face her own troubles. You’re worthless. You’re nothing. You could vanish and no one would care. She doesn’t care about you, she hates you for stealing from her. She wants an explanation for that not for what you’re delusional enough to imagine is happening to you. You should go home and drink till you di-’

“Shut up…” she closed her eyes and accidentally whispered out loud.

“Excuse me?” said Chisato ‘Ooooooh, you done fucked up now girl’

“No, sorry that wasn’t to you.” Nakky cried.

“Not to me? There’s no one else here?” ‘Haha, so much for not sounding insane you idiot.

“I know… I’m sorry… It wasn’t to you… it was to myself.” ‘Good luck explaining that one’


“I ehhh.. I… I have these thoughts…” ‘From yourself’ “That ehm.. well.. they’re very loud” ‘Because you’re a daft idiot’ “And… they… they’re not nice…” ‘Just telling the truth’

“You have loud thoughts?” Chisato looked bewildered. ‘Man, I don’t even have to tell you that you’re an idiot, her face says it for me.’

“Yeah… eh… it’s more like a voice… My own voice… but… mean”  ‘Just a reflection of you, if I am mean, you are too’

“Oh… you have voices in your head?” ‘Hah’

“Kinda” Nakky tried very hard to ignore her own head, but it was very distracting. ‘Kill me with alcohol again, I dare ya.’ “Kinda… but it’s just one voice… and it’s my own… and it’s very demeaning.” Nakky was starting to cold-sweat. She craved anything strong enough to make her pass out. ‘You’re so weak. You can’t even handle a little criticism for yourself. One bad thing and immediately you wanna see the bottom of a bottle. Pathetic’. Nakky covered her eyes with her hands. Why was it being so loud now? Was it because she was trying to expose it?

“How does the alcohol fit into this?” Chisato asked. Her tone had gotten a little softer as she observed Nakky’s obvious inwards struggle. Nakky opened her eyes and looked straight into Chissa’s.

“It kills it.”

Chissa clearly flinched which made Nakky a little worried. She knew there was no way her friend could think of her as sane anymore. At least the voice had shut up for now.

“That’s.. quite worrying, Saki.” She said after some silence.

“I know…” Nakky sighed “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, you fool. Just… talk to me.” Chissa moved over to Nakky’s side of the couch and gave her a very long, tight hug.

“And listen,” she continued “Whatever that voice is saying, it’s absolutely and utterly wrong. Ok?” Nakky nodded half-heartedly “No. Trust me. Next time that voice shows up, call me and I’ll kill it for you. Ok?” Nakky smiled, she hoped it could be as simple as that.

“I’ll try my best.” She said “Thank you.”

“I love you, Nakajima Saki.” Chisato said “Please stop killing yourself.”

“I… I… I will.” There was another long hug. “Can we please talk about something else?” she begged. Chisato frowned a little.

“Please Chissa… I promise I will talk to you more… I will… but… not all at once, ok?” Chissa nodded slightly.

“Ok. Whatever you need.”

“I love you.” Nakky squeezed her friend’s hand. “Why was Kawaei here?”

“Oh… Airi was missing.”

“WHAT? Did you find her?”

“Yeah yeah she’s fine.” Chissa hurried to say “In fact… she… she was at Mai’s.”

“Oh… Did you talk to her?”

“A little…”

“Did… it go well?”


“That’s good, isn’t it?” Nakky tried. Chisato shrugged.

“She… had blocked my number.”

“Eeeeehhh… what?” Nakky was confused “Since when?”

“I don’t know… at least for a while..”

“Ehh… uhmm… ok?”

“Yeah, that’s about where I am with that as well.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Nakky asked. Chissa smiled slightly.

“Take care of yourself.” She answered “That’s what you can do for me.” Nakky nodded – she should’ve seen that coming.

“Why haven’t we talked as much lately as we used to?” she asked sadly.

“I don’t know… it’s been… a weird month” Chissa pondered. “So much shit has happened and I feel the group isn’t nearly as close as it used to be.”

“I’m sorry I’ve distanced myself from you…” Nakky admitted “I’ve been… so embarrassed about the whole thing… I just… I… I’m so sorry, I should’ve just talked to you.”

“Thank you.” Said Chissa “I mean, it’s not necessary. But thank you.” It was quiet for a bit.

“So… what now?” Nakky asked.

“Now… Now… we’ll put on silly Saturday TV films, I’ll make some popcorn and we’ll watch them and laugh.” Nakky smiled.

“Good ol’ days” she said.

“You better believe it.” Chisato winked obnoxiously and Nakky laughed.

“I’ve missed you so much, Chissa.” She said with a smile. The younger smiled back peacefully.

“I’ve missed you too.”

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


#39 minaeshi


    Mahou Idoru Shoujo ♥

  • Senpai
  • 4247 posts

Posted 30 January 2018 - 11:29 PM

^had to do a double take when i saw ricchan's name there lol, nice to see her appearance! 

i don't read idol fanfics so i don't venture to this part of the forums, but i saw your tweets and, you write really well! keep it up!  :good:  ^-^

   sato masaki • murota mizuki • tanimoto ami   ❤ 


#40 Lalalaalala


    Official fanclub for Yokoyan's smile - it saves lives.

  • Senpai
  • 1599 posts

Posted 30 January 2018 - 11:32 PM

^AYYY HI!!!! Glad you like it! :) Yeah, I don't know why, but Ricchan felt natural in the story somehow haha

Current Ultras: Yokoyama Reina Sasaki Rikako Asakura Kiki, Akiyama Mao Yamazaki YuhaneMaeda Kokoro♥ 


Current Casual: Oda Sakura, Nonaka Miki, Haga AkaneTanimoto Ami Ise Layla, Kawamura Ayano,  

OGTurtle  Airi, Maimai 


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