Jump to content

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

Posted by Verilian, 30 March 2017 · 1253 views

nostalgia diary graduations new beginnings
Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same You've come a long way, and you can't go back

It's been two years since I've paid attention to H!P. No, not even. And sure, Kobushi Factory and Tsubaki Factory were kind of a thing in late 2015, but Tamura Meimi hadn't graduated. Riho had just left.

It's been a long time since I've paid attention to the idol world--new career direction, new relationships, new school--so coming back to the idol world was a bit of a shock. At first it was like, who are all of these new girls? I quite like Yokoyama Reina. Hey, that Ayaka girl is quite cool too. And then it was like...somebody's missing. Meimi was missing.

But most of all, C-ute is disbanding. Hearing about their graduation announcement I am glad they had the option of continuing on as a band apart from Hello!Project, because I think the girls were that good and deserved that much at least. But I'm also glad they're not taking that route, because I can't see them going very very far unless they had a drastic change of management, and it would be interesting to see how their careers develop.

I listen to Kpop a lot more these days...

But there's always a special place in my heart, my secret fascination with Jpop idols. I'm 26 this year. I'm not a girl anymore. I used to think that at one point, I will quit idols, cold turkey, just like that. At first I thought it'd be when Sayumi graduated. Now I think it might be when C-ute disbands. But I think, perhaps, I'll never quite quit the idol fandom because there's always a little corner in my heart that believes that I could've been one of those girls. This is my super delusional, but common (at least in the idol fandom) secret, I think. There's a little corner of my heart that believes that if I was put in the spotlight like that, people would love me like that too. I think a lot of female fans probably think like this. So when I get down, I give my love to idols, because in a strange way it's like giving more love to myself.

I'm not back, exactly. My blog will probably never be back, barring some catastrophic life changes. But it was good to dip my feet into the idol world--to feel sad that Meimi moved on, to feel the strange mixture of regret and relief at C-ute's disbandment, to feel slightly interested in the new girls. To learn that Ayaya is working on new material (at least rumoured). It's great to rediscover old favourites, like Chisato's Only You cover.

It's good to feel a little bit delusional and believe, I think. I don't know when I will ever stop believing.

Because sometimes it seems like a cruel thing, being an idol--to achieve that much fame and success so early on in life and knowing that you're probably never going to achieve it just feels so bleak to me. You grow old, and then your fans don't love you anymore. You aren't idolized. But is it so bad? You're free then, to seek love of your own, and move onto the adult world.

As an adult, and a woman, I feel strange, observing the idol world. I feel like I don't belong here.

But then--you forget these things and try to believe in the dream; and you think that maybe the dream is real. Maybe it doesn't matter what happens at the end of it, so long as you have dreamed. So I'm glad I took an evening to come back and rediscover the idol world. And maybe the next time, I'll figure out more reasons why idols are/were so compelling for me.

Until the next time,


I relate. I'm turning 26 this year, now as a young woman. When I was in junior high I was heavily into Jpop, and would dance along and make costumes for myself. I did get into Kpop too, as many of those idols are around my age group, however, I don't feel the same spark I did with Jpop. The style, makeup, music, outfits, they are still different. You catch glimpses of connection but not too often. 

I am sort of, rediscovering JPop myself. C-ute was my go to group, I loved them since I was in high school. However, news of their disbandment also hit me hard, and I contemplated my place in Jpop. I still love the music, but should I grow out of it? How does it influence me as well? (I'm a dancer, so even my covers have shifted to Kpop, but I still miss doing all my Hello Project dances. As an adult with money, I can afford to even look good in the covers as opposed to my younger self, I can't find that spark though..).

Idk. I stop following H!P in 2013-2014 then following back in 2015 because of Berryz Graduation, then I discover new group and girls

December 2018

101112131415 16