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This is going to be long and sound a bit hateful on my part, but please bare with me. I really do need advice.
So this has been going on for about 5 years now (since my Sophomore year of High School) and it has only gotten worse. I have this friend L, who I have known since kindergarten. We had a big argument in the 5th grade and I only started becoming her friend again towards the end of 8th grade. Ever since Sophomore year of High School, I guess she would consider me as her best friend and I guess I see her as one of my closest friends. She's a really fun person to be around, but in the last few years, she's started to become unbearable.
I think this habit started around Sophomore year. L, our good friend M, and I were the only students taking a class so we became quite close, but seeing that M was more of social person and had tons of friends already, L and I were still closer. She would always call my house right after school, sometimes even before I got home. I would always answer of course since I felt bad and sometimes our phone calls would end up being a few hours of silence. This still goes on today.
During our Senior Year in High School, she started dating this guy A, who she became extremely clingy with. I thought "She has a boyfriend. Cool." because I honestly did not care. She's almost an adult, so she can date whoever she wants. However, the days when he wouldn't be at school, due to sickness, personal problems, or whatever, she would just cling to me and ramble about how life and school is not worth it if he isn't there. I often told her that her explanation was ridiculous and exaggerated, but she would just get angry in return. Regardless, M and I still supported her as friends.
After our high school graduation, L and A decided to get married. M, I, and my older sister were her bridesmaids. Honestly, I thought they were happy together. I mean, he had some issues, like sending inappropriate pictures to ex-girlfriends and some bipolar-ism but I didn't think it was too big of a deal. He is the same age as my sister, but he dropped out of freshman year since he didn't like the school he was attending then. The five of us went to the same University afterwards.
My sister was a year older then I, so she already has experience and friends. We were sharing an apartment.
M is just a social butterfly, so people are just drawn to her. She was sharing an apartment with her older brothers.
I managed to make 3 friends my freshman year, so I was pretty excited.
L and A were sharing an apartment and brought everything they owned there.
Even during Freshman year, L would always call like usual, so we just went with our usual routine. I even invited her to some of the events that went around campus, but she was always too busy with homework or being with her husband. L, M, M's friend, my sister, and I hung out a few times and we even went to each others apartments when we were all free. I honestly thought everything was going well. Everyone was making friends, making good grades, keeping in contact with each other, etc.
Turns out that L was having a harder time then she was letting on. She was financially struggling, her academics were falling, and she had secluded herself. Towards the end of the semester, my sister and I began to notice she was acting a bit odd. 3 weeks before the end of the first semester, L and M came over to our apartment and L told us that she was suicidal and depressed. Honestly, I was (and still am) a bit iffy since she never seemed like it, but never judge a book by the cover. So we tried to help her. I talked to the dean and a psychologist to try and get her some help. In the end, right before Finals Week, L decided to withdraw from college for the remainder of the semester and the next.
During Christmas Break, I got a call from M, who had driven up to where L was staying, to bring her back to our hometown for the holidays. It turns out that A decided to just take their car and leave her without a word. He ignored her calls, texts, and all communication from her. We continued to constantely visit her, talk to her, and try to help her during the rest of the break.
When Spring semester started, my sister, M, and I started college again. I still talked to L on the phone occasionally. She was on antidepressants, was writing a journal, staying with her family, and working part time. I thought everything was okay. Somewhere during that semester, she and A got back together for a while, and then he left her again. This time, she decided to be a little stronger and tried to be independent. This years Fall semester, she came back to study and was living alone. Like usually, we talked, we visited, we hung out. Unfortunately, she had a close friend who gave her the idea that smoking and drinking underage is okay. Smoking and Drinking (when legal) is a choice, so I'm fine, but I know it wasn't helping, especially in her situation.
This time around, she was doing a lot better. She started going to church and found peace in God, she joined a university church group and made some friends, and she was working on her studies, she was seeing a counselor, she was working, she had pets to keep her company. Everything seemed like it was getting better. A came back into her life and they both agreed that they needed to see a marriage counselor, but I don't think they ever did since A backed out last minute.
It is my second Spring Semester and my frustration has escalated. L will call 8 times a day. One time, she actually just showed up at my apartment, completely uninvited. I can't just tell someone "no, you can't come in" and I can't hide since my car is right there. At first, her excuse was "I was hoping that I could study here since I get distracted." I was okay with that since I know she's had issues and it's been affecting her study habits. But the moment she steps through the door, things get back. She eats all my food (even though she has food stamps), uses my stuff, makes a mess, and acts as if I should be obligated to serve her. Turns out she doesn't have anything due or does she have anything she needs to study. She just wanted to hang out. Well, I've been having a bit of a hard time in my Psychology class this semester, so I've been working my butt off, but it's hard to do that with her following my into my room and climbing onto my bed while watching Youtube videos on FULL BLAST.
And then she has the audacity to say "Oh, I have a load of laundry at home. I should have brought it over here to do it." This is one things that really irritates me- she constantly wants to use the washer and dryer that our parents bought for my sister and I. I've told her no on multiple occasions since my parents asked that of me and I want to respect them. She uses the excuse of being poor, even though she's just bought a MacBook Pro (with her mom paying half). She also buys coffee, lattes, and eats out nearly every single day. She's trying to upgrade to an iPhone 5 since it's "only a few hundred dollars". Yet, she complaints about her apartment because she's not willing to pay for a decent one and she complains about having to use public laundry facilities.
Sometimes, she tells me about all the friends that she's made and how she's really enjoying college. I'm happy for her. But then, when she's in her "depressed mood", she tells me that I'm the only person she really has. And then she'll lie about both statements depending on her mood and the situation.
Two days later, M calls me and says that L really needs me right now. I panicked and called her. Turns out that A sent her divorce papers. By now, her parents, friends, my sister, M, and myself have been telling her to divorce him. She's bluntly told me that he was told her that he's only with her because of her body. And I also know for a fact that he stayed with her because her parents were buying him stuff, such as HIS wedding ring, a used car, an Alienware laptop, and even housed him for half a year. Afterwards, she started feeling a little depressed again- she hasn't been eating or sleeping properly and I think her grades have begun to slip.
The thing that made me blow up happened just a few hours ago. Right now, it's the middle of finals week and I have 3 finals I need to study for. I told her beforehand that "I will probably ignore not only your phone calls, but everyone who isn't family, because I have finals I need to study for." Went through one ear and right out the other. Today, she called me 10 times in the a 30 minute time span and called my sister once. I happened to look out the window and BAM, her car is right outside. I'm stressed as it is, so I did not want to have to play with her since she only had 2 finals and every time we "study together", she ends up showing me random stuff from Reddit every other second.
So my sister and I just ignore her knocking and we ignore her shouting our names. My sister has a final tonight and does not need to be distract. She finally leaves after about five minutes, but not before messaging me "I only wanted to have a place to study since my friend had to go take a final."
And now, I don't know what to do, especially since she hasn't responded. She's my friend and I do like hanging out with her. She's fun to be around, but not when she's clingy or when the world is revolving around her. I'm her friend of convenience and of advantages. My parents and brother have told me to completely ignore her and stop being friends with her, but I don't think that's a good option. I'm worried that she might hurt herself, especially since her mentality is becoming so fragile. M tells me that I should just keep hanging out with her, but I don't think that's a good option either. My studies will be affected and it acts as a reinforcement for her to keep continuing. L will only hang out with one other friend, my sister and I when either of us aren't busy, and with M when she needs something materialistic or if I'm there as well.
What should I do? I want to tell her how clingy she's been, but I don't know if she's mentally strong enough to hear that. I've tried to get her some help, but she just isn't willing to go and her parents haven't really done anything about it either.
So this has been going on for about 5 years now (since my Sophomore year of High School) and it has only gotten worse. I have this friend L, who I have known since kindergarten. We had a big argument in the 5th grade and I only started becoming her friend again towards the end of 8th grade. Ever since Sophomore year of High School, I guess she would consider me as her best friend and I guess I see her as one of my closest friends. She's a really fun person to be around, but in the last few years, she's started to become unbearable.
I think this habit started around Sophomore year. L, our good friend M, and I were the only students taking a class so we became quite close, but seeing that M was more of social person and had tons of friends already, L and I were still closer. She would always call my house right after school, sometimes even before I got home. I would always answer of course since I felt bad and sometimes our phone calls would end up being a few hours of silence. This still goes on today.
During our Senior Year in High School, she started dating this guy A, who she became extremely clingy with. I thought "She has a boyfriend. Cool." because I honestly did not care. She's almost an adult, so she can date whoever she wants. However, the days when he wouldn't be at school, due to sickness, personal problems, or whatever, she would just cling to me and ramble about how life and school is not worth it if he isn't there. I often told her that her explanation was ridiculous and exaggerated, but she would just get angry in return. Regardless, M and I still supported her as friends.
After our high school graduation, L and A decided to get married. M, I, and my older sister were her bridesmaids. Honestly, I thought they were happy together. I mean, he had some issues, like sending inappropriate pictures to ex-girlfriends and some bipolar-ism but I didn't think it was too big of a deal. He is the same age as my sister, but he dropped out of freshman year since he didn't like the school he was attending then. The five of us went to the same University afterwards.
My sister was a year older then I, so she already has experience and friends. We were sharing an apartment.
M is just a social butterfly, so people are just drawn to her. She was sharing an apartment with her older brothers.
I managed to make 3 friends my freshman year, so I was pretty excited.
L and A were sharing an apartment and brought everything they owned there.
Even during Freshman year, L would always call like usual, so we just went with our usual routine. I even invited her to some of the events that went around campus, but she was always too busy with homework or being with her husband. L, M, M's friend, my sister, and I hung out a few times and we even went to each others apartments when we were all free. I honestly thought everything was going well. Everyone was making friends, making good grades, keeping in contact with each other, etc.
Turns out that L was having a harder time then she was letting on. She was financially struggling, her academics were falling, and she had secluded herself. Towards the end of the semester, my sister and I began to notice she was acting a bit odd. 3 weeks before the end of the first semester, L and M came over to our apartment and L told us that she was suicidal and depressed. Honestly, I was (and still am) a bit iffy since she never seemed like it, but never judge a book by the cover. So we tried to help her. I talked to the dean and a psychologist to try and get her some help. In the end, right before Finals Week, L decided to withdraw from college for the remainder of the semester and the next.
During Christmas Break, I got a call from M, who had driven up to where L was staying, to bring her back to our hometown for the holidays. It turns out that A decided to just take their car and leave her without a word. He ignored her calls, texts, and all communication from her. We continued to constantely visit her, talk to her, and try to help her during the rest of the break.
When Spring semester started, my sister, M, and I started college again. I still talked to L on the phone occasionally. She was on antidepressants, was writing a journal, staying with her family, and working part time. I thought everything was okay. Somewhere during that semester, she and A got back together for a while, and then he left her again. This time, she decided to be a little stronger and tried to be independent. This years Fall semester, she came back to study and was living alone. Like usually, we talked, we visited, we hung out. Unfortunately, she had a close friend who gave her the idea that smoking and drinking underage is okay. Smoking and Drinking (when legal) is a choice, so I'm fine, but I know it wasn't helping, especially in her situation.
This time around, she was doing a lot better. She started going to church and found peace in God, she joined a university church group and made some friends, and she was working on her studies, she was seeing a counselor, she was working, she had pets to keep her company. Everything seemed like it was getting better. A came back into her life and they both agreed that they needed to see a marriage counselor, but I don't think they ever did since A backed out last minute.
It is my second Spring Semester and my frustration has escalated. L will call 8 times a day. One time, she actually just showed up at my apartment, completely uninvited. I can't just tell someone "no, you can't come in" and I can't hide since my car is right there. At first, her excuse was "I was hoping that I could study here since I get distracted." I was okay with that since I know she's had issues and it's been affecting her study habits. But the moment she steps through the door, things get back. She eats all my food (even though she has food stamps), uses my stuff, makes a mess, and acts as if I should be obligated to serve her. Turns out she doesn't have anything due or does she have anything she needs to study. She just wanted to hang out. Well, I've been having a bit of a hard time in my Psychology class this semester, so I've been working my butt off, but it's hard to do that with her following my into my room and climbing onto my bed while watching Youtube videos on FULL BLAST.
And then she has the audacity to say "Oh, I have a load of laundry at home. I should have brought it over here to do it." This is one things that really irritates me- she constantly wants to use the washer and dryer that our parents bought for my sister and I. I've told her no on multiple occasions since my parents asked that of me and I want to respect them. She uses the excuse of being poor, even though she's just bought a MacBook Pro (with her mom paying half). She also buys coffee, lattes, and eats out nearly every single day. She's trying to upgrade to an iPhone 5 since it's "only a few hundred dollars". Yet, she complaints about her apartment because she's not willing to pay for a decent one and she complains about having to use public laundry facilities.
Sometimes, she tells me about all the friends that she's made and how she's really enjoying college. I'm happy for her. But then, when she's in her "depressed mood", she tells me that I'm the only person she really has. And then she'll lie about both statements depending on her mood and the situation.
Two days later, M calls me and says that L really needs me right now. I panicked and called her. Turns out that A sent her divorce papers. By now, her parents, friends, my sister, M, and myself have been telling her to divorce him. She's bluntly told me that he was told her that he's only with her because of her body. And I also know for a fact that he stayed with her because her parents were buying him stuff, such as HIS wedding ring, a used car, an Alienware laptop, and even housed him for half a year. Afterwards, she started feeling a little depressed again- she hasn't been eating or sleeping properly and I think her grades have begun to slip.
The thing that made me blow up happened just a few hours ago. Right now, it's the middle of finals week and I have 3 finals I need to study for. I told her beforehand that "I will probably ignore not only your phone calls, but everyone who isn't family, because I have finals I need to study for." Went through one ear and right out the other. Today, she called me 10 times in the a 30 minute time span and called my sister once. I happened to look out the window and BAM, her car is right outside. I'm stressed as it is, so I did not want to have to play with her since she only had 2 finals and every time we "study together", she ends up showing me random stuff from Reddit every other second.
So my sister and I just ignore her knocking and we ignore her shouting our names. My sister has a final tonight and does not need to be distract. She finally leaves after about five minutes, but not before messaging me "I only wanted to have a place to study since my friend had to go take a final."
And now, I don't know what to do, especially since she hasn't responded. She's my friend and I do like hanging out with her. She's fun to be around, but not when she's clingy or when the world is revolving around her. I'm her friend of convenience and of advantages. My parents and brother have told me to completely ignore her and stop being friends with her, but I don't think that's a good option. I'm worried that she might hurt herself, especially since her mentality is becoming so fragile. M tells me that I should just keep hanging out with her, but I don't think that's a good option either. My studies will be affected and it acts as a reinforcement for her to keep continuing. L will only hang out with one other friend, my sister and I when either of us aren't busy, and with M when she needs something materialistic or if I'm there as well.
What should I do? I want to tell her how clingy she's been, but I don't know if she's mentally strong enough to hear that. I've tried to get her some help, but she just isn't willing to go and her parents haven't really done anything about it either.
From what I've read, I feel that you have been supportive to L and that you have done your best as a friend but I think it's now time to think with your head than your heart. A friend is someone who understands you, knows what you're feeling and a person that is there to help you no matter what. But L does not seem like that, she seems like someone who is depending too much on others than actually getting a grip on reality, not only is she letting herself go but if you continue to hang around with her or "open your doors" to her, she's just going to walk all over you nd bring you down with her.
I'm not one too judge but I have heard and met a few people like L, they don't learn their lesson and instead put the blame on others, emotionally blackmail and are very clingy and highly dependent on the attention of others. If I were you I would just stop seeing her, yes I know it will be hard but you just have to think about yourself sometimes, it's not wrong nor are you being selfish.
You've done your best but for the sake of your future, just worry about your studies and what you need to do for the future.
(I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to be tough in these situations)
If you need some more advice, please don't hesitate to PM me